The Fire Drill for the cruise liner 'Tootsnaff' took place every Tuesday Morning, a roll call for all passengers was taken by the Penguin staff on board, you would be required to attend on deck 8 with your life jacket properly secured and stand tightly packed in single file with the other passengers. On this particular morning the water was more choppy than usual for the time of year and in truth was uncharacteristic for this ocean. The Penguins had clipboards to tick off all the passengers as they emerged onto the deck, they would be collated by room number and number of patrons per room, the drill alarm sounded at 10, many half asleep hungover voyagers staggered their way out onto deck, the Penguin guides tried to keep it light with some jokes in keeping with Martime terminology, Chumf forced a smile, quite sure the jokes were the same every week.
Harri had been awake since early, she watched the sun rise from the bow of the ship, the beauty of it all was overwhelming for her in her present frame of mind, she wiped tears from her eyes on a few occasions, they were tears of sadness but also tears of happiness thinking back to the good times with Chumf, the first time they met he was fresh from a reconnaissance mission deep in the Vietnamese jungle, Chumf was dressed in a terracotta wind cheater, he entered the small cafe where they had arranged to meet, the confirmation that Chumf really was Chumf was his order of 'Frog Tea, hold the saffron', he was everything she had dreamed he would be, confidence just short of arrogance, the presence and sex appeal of a bag of onions and what Chumf didn't know about 'the street' was not worth knowing.
The competition between the female trainees at Spy college was fierce and unrelenting, everyone of them aspired to work with Chumf, more than a few of the female cadets had signed pictures of Chumf's balls stuck to the inside of their locker, Harri had too much respect for herself to stoop to that level of adoration, she simply had an advert for 'Frog Tea' torn from a magazine, she knew one day she would see him sip his special tea.
The drill was all but over, all passengers accounted for, Bryson saw Chumf further down the boat, he moved toward him,
'I eh, I did not think much of the way you left me the other night, even if you did see Kevin Keegan'
'Sorry old bean, I did not know that was Kevin Keegan, I thought it was Harri'
'ok ok Understood, I am starting to think this Slug caper might just be....'
Just at that the boat swayed violently from side to side, Chumf and Bryson tried to grab for anything to hold onto to save them being tossed overboard, Bryson roared in joyful fear...
'This is it Chumfy, this is the Slug, it all makes sense'
The ocean was whipped into a frenzy, 100 feet waves crashed into the boat, something started to surface, a large set of tentacles came bursting through the sea surface, Chumf grabbed Bryson trying to pull him inside the ship, by this time the outside of the ship was a study in pandemonium, people falling over each other, penguins fighting with each other for one of the few sets of water wings, it was terror in it's truest, purest form. The Slug had risen from the ocean in all its horrific beauty, it stood 200 feet high thrashing and wailing, Bryson stopped dead as the others tried to clamber back inside, he was awe struck.
'Bryson, Come on, lets get inside'. Bryson could not hear Chumf, this was his moment of destiny, he looked up towards the Slug, smiling, the deck had cleared of all the passengers except Chumf and Bryson,
'Bryson, we need to go, this is no romance story, this Slug will kill you, I am sorry I ever doubted you but please, MOVE!!!'
It was too late, The Maritime Slug dipped forward to the side of the boat, whipped its right tentacle and swooped Chumf and Bryson away.
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In a similar fashion to persecuted Rangers fans, Chumf and Bryson were kept in a holding pen in the Slug's lair deep below the ocean, they were given a ticket similar to that of the prescription system used in Boots the chemist in times gone by. The cavernous lair dripped with slime and carried the potent scent of Slugbutter, foot soldiers for the Slug guarded Chumf and Bryson, feeding them with sauteed Acorns, withered witchnipples and bum-grapes.
There were many captives in the air who had been taken to see the Slug and not returned, panic had started to grip Bryson, Chumf did his best allay his friend's fear whilst at the same time felt a sense of bitterness that Bryson had got him involved in this stramash in the first place.
'Don't stress Bryson, I will get us out of this place' Bryson sniffled a response
'and how are you, going to do that?'. Chumf did not like the tone and was maddened by the questioning of his ability, he grabbed Bryson by the lapels on his Cat-sized sports jacket and lifted him up to face height.
'Now you listen to me,you have got us into this mess, I have had enough on my plate without you'
Chumf's tirade was interrupted by the clanking of keys and the opening of their holding pen, a sloth guard motioned them out,
'Our Highness will see you now'.
Jazz/Punk fusion Music bellowed through the caves of the Slug's lair as they were lead towards the main Slugitorium, high pitched screams could be heard, bongo drums beaten at an intimidating tone, the Maritime Slug sat proudly his throne as they entered.
'SILENCE!' The Slug ordered his ranks
'see Chumf, told you he was Slovakian', Bryson whispered to Chumf'
'So you are the great Chumf, the savior of Streath and this must be your Harri?'
From behind a curtain Harri was revealed, strapped into a cage held by chains from the roof of the lair, she was scantily clad in a buffalo skin bathing suit with detachable bum flap, her hands and legs stretched out wide like the dude from 'World in Action'.
What Chumf felt at this stage was unmatched human anguish, like the kind of feeling you get when you get home at night and find that you have missed the delivery man who had a new dinner set for you. Harri screamed for Chumf, Chumf struggled to get free from his manacles to run towards Harri. From thinking their love was dead and over, here they were brought back together in the Slug's lair, about to be put to death for being non-believers, maybe this is the way it was meant to happen, to live and love together and to die together.
'help me Chumf, Please, I forgive you, I love you'
'I Love you too Harri, I am sorry'
The Slug laughed a loud mocking laugh,
'KILL THEM BOTH'.
The guards separated Chumf from Bryson and threw him to the floor in front of the Slug, Harri was freed and kneeled next to Chumf, Harri with tear laden eyes looked at Chumf and he back, they both wept with fear of the unknown but also at the love they felt.
'You doubted my very existence despite what that Jewish Cat told you, so now you must die'
Bryson was freed and was given a seat next to The Slug, and offered some sandwiches, The guard walked forward armed with a Saif, put it Harri's neck fixing his aim, he drew back...
'WAIT' Chumf shouted allowed, The Guard stopped and looked towards the Slug for further guidance.
'Ok you slimy Slug, what do you want from me?, you are a businessman, there must be something'
Chumf's baited breath plea was his last throw of the dice, after a pregnant pause came the words Chumf dreaded more than any.
'I WANT YOUR BALLS'.
All that Chumf was, were his balls, his balls were his life blood, his power, his very meaning, he was willing to put them on the line for their future.
'don't do it Chumf', pleaded Harri, 'our time has come to die'
'I can live a nomal existence without my balls Harri, I can be someone else without them, I have to do this', Chumf stood and nodded his agreement to the Slug.
Chumf was pulled to his feet, the guard whipped down his chinos, an anvil was brought over by a slobbering ogre. they spared Chumf the indignity of having someone else man-handle his manhandlers, he reached in and brought out his balls for what would be the last time, they sat neatly on the anvil.
'any last requests Chumf?' asked the Slug
'Just treat them well'
The Guard drew back his sword, looked to The Slug for direction awaiting his nod, The Slug bowed his head forward once, down came the Sword and Chumf's balls were off. Chumf fell backwards, Harri wept, Bryson spewed his ring. Chumf's balls were taken by the guard to display in front of the Slug, he merely acknowledged the balls and motioned for them to be taken away for storage, Chumf fell silent on the ground, Harri was freed and left to run to him,
'Chumf , oh Chumf, what have they done?' Harri sobbed at Chumf's seemingly lifeless body.
'They have done nothing Harri, Look!, Chumf looked up at Harri winking, she held herself together despite the joy at what she could see, Harri looked down and there in full resplendence were Chumf's balls.
'But How?'
'Explanations later Harri, we got work to do'
The Slug, his Guards and Minions were celebrating their victory by sharing some Dugbutter Vermouth, Bryson drank with them but his face told another story, yes he had found The Slug, but like any quest whether it be in Love or Life, the best part is always the chase, the proof of his years of research was there right in front of his eyes, he was right about The Maritime Slug, but the part of his dream where he was re-united with Florence had not as yet materialised, Florence was not there, not there to see his defining moment, and in his bid for glory he had seen his new friend Chumf lose his balls, Bryson was hollow and sad, but not for long
Chumf jumped to his feet, pounced on the nearest guard and broke his neck with the 'Ramadan' manoeuvre, labelled such due to its speed, he took the sword from his first victim and sliced through the next 2 guards, The Slug and his troops had been caught on the back foot and Chumf made in-roads towards the Slimy mess of a monster,
'CEASE HIM!'.
Chumf twisted and turned smashing the Troops to bits whilst Harri whooped and hollered behind him, in the ensuing stramash Bryson had slipped away from his cushioned chair at the side of the Slug, though he did smuggle some of the sandwiches in his pocket for later, The Slug's troops were all either dead or had ran for cover from Chumf, he stood in front of The Slug.
'Ok fats, its just you and me'...
The Slug started to laugh, it grew louder and louder with each breath till the noise was deafening,
'You cant kill me with your sword, I cannot be killed by conventional weapons'
'No you can't , but you can be killed by this!' From out of nowhere Bryson jumped in between Chumf and the Slug, produced a tub of Saxo salt and threw it directly onto his prey,
'run Chumf, this is not going to be pretty'
The beast roared, twisted and shouted like a Beatle, spat out some expletives in Slovakian and disappeared into nothing. The Maritime Slug was gone.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Ocean had settled, a small rescue dingy had picked up Chumf, Harri and Bryson when they surfaced from the lair. Harri lay in Chumf's arms, safe again, Bryson watched the waves lap onto the side of the small boat, contemplating what next.
Harri stirred, Chumf stroked her forehead savouring the moment and the peace seeing her sleep brought him,
'Chumf, you never told me about what happened with your balls'
'Prostethic Ballsack Harri, old Cornelius Manbra's idea, said it would come in handy one day, and he was right'
'He sure was Chumf, he sure was' Harri closed her eyes again and slept a peaceful sleep, content that Chumf was back in her life.
Chumf will always be around, he is the ice on your windscreen, he is the pound coin and full packet of Trebor strong mints mysteriously left on the floor of your toilet cubicle at work, he is the unpicked bramble, he is all things to all humans.
Can the Love last for Chumf and Harri?
What next for Bryson?
Whats it all about?, do you really want to know?
Peace and Love Y'all :)
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