Chumf - The Frontier of Mofo Part III

“It was the 3rd of September, that day Chumf will always remember, yes he will, cos that was the day, little Chumfy died”

One of Zoltan’s henchmen tickled Chumf’s chin as he sang and changed the lyrics to the famous song, they were in an empty warehouse on the upper East side of L.A. Far away from the Traffic and hubbub of the streets. Chumf was tied to a chair, a pigeon shat right on his leather jacket, the pigeon apologized but the damage was done. At this point Zoltan was nowhere to be seen.

“where’s the girl?” asked Chumf in an authoritative tone enquiring about his new partner Sophia Cicciolina

“da bitch got away Chumfo, she was slicker and quicker than you”

Chumf analysed the layout out of the building, noting the exits, scouring for a way out of this mess.

“aint no use looking for ways to get out Chumfo, your ass is grass, Zoltan gonna fuzz you up punk hahahahah” Zoltan’s wide boy leaned back laughing, enjoying the moment of power, then a squeaker came out, he looked embarrassed.

“oops sorry bout that!” holding the bum of his leather pants

At that point, the main door of the warehouse was pulled open from the outside letting a sharp ray of Californian sunshine in, almost in slow motion Chumf could see the silhouette of Zoltan bound towards him, two large Dogs on leads in either of his hands, a huge frame of a man, shoulders as wide as a river, thighs like beer kegs, nostrils like sunglasses, Zoltan was followed by a posse of medallion wearing bling exposing Mofos, one of the gang had a stereo blasting out one of Donna Summer’s toughest beats, Chumf knew he was in trouble.

“well well well, what we have here?, a dumf or a Chumf?” asked Zoltan in a sarcastic tone exaggeratingly moving his head in towards Chumf

The goons surrounding Zoltan laughed a belly laugh , high fiving each other.

“you should watch who you talk to Chumf, watch who you trust”

Chumf had not spoke to anyone about this since his meeting with Duff yesterday, no one at all, he went home the night before, never made or took a phone call, he had fallen asleep in his Y fronts on the couch as he did most nights, watching re-runs of “David and Johnny’s laugh out”

“what do you mean by that Zoltan?”

“well Chumf , The Brown Koalas can get to anyone, we know when the fuzz bring in some supposed hotshot like you to sort us out, we know they scared of us because of “The Marmalade Murders ooooooo….hahahah”

Exaggerated laughter again sounded round the Zoltan’s mob.

“no one reported these murders as “The Marmalade Murders” Zoltan, how do you know so much?”

“oh Chumf” covering his mouth sarcastically “you found us out , hahahahahaha, “

Zoltan’s face turned serious.

“Cobra, bring the marmalade”

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Sophia Cicciolina had watched from outside Afros R us, slid down in the passenger seat of Chumf’s Ford Mustang 1957 Garnajular as he was taken by Zoltan’s men, they pushed Chumf into the back of their van, she quickly jumped over and took the wheel, racing after them.

* * * * * * * * * * * *



“you see Chumf my friend, all we ever wanted was you and the rest of your people to acknowledge the struggle that we Brown Koalas and all of our brothers and sisters face day to day” , Zoltan spoke to Chumf as he menacingly stirred the jar of Robertson’s marmalade in front of his face

“everyone wants acknowledgement for their own individual struggles Zoltan, that doesn’t give you a right to kill people, end their existence , humiliate them by stuffing marmalade in their navels, this isn’t the way”

Zoltan seemed to pause in the stirring of the marmalade, almost considering Chumf’s plea and assessment of the situation.

“you talk some sense for a Cop Chumf, but now you know what you know, I have to end this little ballwashing charade, Cobra lift up his shirt!!!!, lets see that belly button hahahaha”

Henchman Cobra lifted Chumf’s lumberjack style red and black shirt, Zoltan leant forward bringing the knife thickened with marmalade towards Chumf……

“don’t you move another muscle “ came the blood boiling roar from the female voice

There stood Sophia, she had never held her Solero 47 standard issue as tight, her two shaking hands grasped the weapon as she trained it on Zoltan.

“well well well, little tinkerbell has came to Dumf’s rescue” Sneered Zoltan

“eh that’s Chumf actually “ said Chumf looking round towards Zoltan

“drop the marmalade Zoltan, you got spread on your hands this time” Sophia’s voice shaking as she tried to keep the situation in her favour

“you wont shoot me…”

BANG!!

Sophia’s gun went off , missed her initial target of Zoltan’s chest, ricocheted off the wall and shot Leroy’s brother Fat Sam in the ass, he screamed for high heavens as he fell onto Zoltan, then onto Chumf, knocking his chair over, Zoltan’s remaining crew fled at the sight of their big fat friend getting his bum shot, Sophia quickly moved to untie Chumf whilst Zoltan struggled underneath Fat Sam, Chumf looked down on Zoltan pitying him for a second but then enjoying seeing him in such a weak vulnerable state , lying under the blubber monster’s brother, Chumf pushed Fat Sam off Zoltan.

“the game is up now Zoltan, should I read you your rights or do you know the drill?”

“its too late for me now Chumf, too late” said a weakened sounding Zoltan

Zoltan opened his jacket from the hidden side of him to reveal the entire contents of the Robertson’s marmalade spread all over his body, the spread had covered him when Fat Sam fell on him….

“before you die Zoltan, you must tell me , what’s the significance of the marmalade ? and who’s the inside man?”

“Da boss loves Marmite Chumfo”

With that, Zoltan died in Chumf’s arms, he quickly slid to the ground as Chumf couldn’t grip him properly with all that spread, Chumf looked towards Sophia, stood up and walked back out into the sunshine as the Cop sirens sounded close by.



* * * * * * * * * * * *

Chumf handed his badge to Dug Duff and walked out his office without waiting for any response, he chose to ignore the smell of Marmite as he just wanted out of this hell hole without having to know the full extent of the corruption, he thanked Sophia for saving his life, kissed her cheek and walked out of her life for good. Sophia had barely known Chumf for a day but this was probably the biggest day of her short young life so far, she knew so little about him but wanted to know so much more, but then again she is not alone, we all want a bit more of Chumf, want to know where he goes when the lights go out, who he banks with, where he goes to wash his balls, so many questions, so few answers. Just thank the Lord he is out there….. Somewhere……





Chumf will return Soon in: Chumf – The Wrath of Barbara



Peace and Love Y’all