Chumf - Nowhere Man

Chumf was brought up by two Norwegian lesbians called “twalda” and “valda”, Twalda was a welder and Valda a bouncer at the local Bone Rubbing club in downtown Oslo. At the age of 8 Chumf won his first of many competitions, he was “Champion Dog flanneler 1976” this involved fitting trousers to a various number of different dogs, he seemed to excel at this especially with one particular Bloodhound called “Fudge”…

Chumf’s life had its own brand of tragedy “twalda” was beheaded by a rampant trainee lumberjack allegedly upset at finding out someone had already invented Milk, Valda did her best to continue but soon became addicted to cinnamon and died at the age of 178. Chumf was left to vend for himself from the age of 27…





Danny Flannery was the kind of man who had an eye at each side of his nose, the kind of man who knew where his own balls were… he carried out his first hit at the age of 8 using a harpoon to impale the local Godfather in his home town of Plamphf , Country Flapjack, the town awoke to the site of Sean McKackallany hanging from the local RS McColls harpoon through his Johnson!!!



“it’s been a long time danny”

“ yes it has Chumf..sorry Simon”

“ tea simon?”

“yes frog not toad”



They had work to do and got down to the fine details, they had to steal a ruby from the anus of local ganglord “Tubbs Fattika”,



“did you bring the Vaseline Simon?”

“yes but we have work to do?” replied Chumf