Chumf’s weapon of choice was the Solero 47, some claimed the most powerful handgun in the world, he stood at the shooting gallery firing round after round whilst he waited on his new partner, Chumf had recently succumbed to the popularity of a tight perm, he wore brown suede shoes, brown corduroy action slacks, roll neck black jumper and a fawn leather jacket, he looked ace.
“Detective Taylor???” asked the soft voice
Chumf turned round to see a stunning brunette before him, she had big brown eyes, lips that you wanted to kiss for a month, she had bumps in all the right places, Chumf had not felt this aroused since he saw Bugs Bunny dress up as woman to fool Elmer Fudd.
“Who are you?”
“ I’m Your new partner, I’m Detective Sophia Cicciolina”
Chumf was dumbstruck, this vision in front of him was too beautiful for the streets of this God forsaken city, How could he take her to help him tackle the evil that was The Brown Koalas?, Chumf quickly came out of his daze and walked briskly away from Cicciolina, she hurried to keep up with him.
“what do we do first?” Enquired the keen Cadet
Chumf knew he had to get tough with her, he stopped and turned to face her
“now you listen here poppet, I aint about to get my tomatoes blown off protecting some rookie who thinks being a cop is something exciting to tell her friends when they gather for their next Tupperware party!!!”
“ I don’t appreciate your tone Detective Taylor..”
“ my tone???? , you think the scum of this city is going to consider their tone before they stick the barrel of their gun up your nostril?”
By this time Chumf stood at the drivers door of his Ford Mustang 1957 Garnajular, he loved this car, his Uncle Wilbur left it to him in his will, When Chumf was a young boy he would spend time cleaning the car and sitting behind the wheel pretending to be some Champion racer or maybe the hero in a James Dean style movie, one day Chumf actually killed the milk man when he let the hand brake off by accident, his Uncle Wilbur buried the body and delivered milk to the street for the rest of his working days.
Chumf didn’t stop Cicciolina entering the car, they sat in silence for what seemed to the rookie detective like an eternity as they drove along, Chumf turned right into Electric avenue, this was the centre of Black Gangland, Chumf’s informants told him the base for The Brown Koalas was at the back of a barbers shop called “Afros-R-us”, Chumf pulled up outside the shop.
“you wait here, this could get messy”
“shouldn’t I give you assistance?”
“no cupcake, you stay here and try not to blow up the car whilst I’ m gone”
A bell rang above the door as Chumf entered “Afros-R-us”, Afro booths lined each side of the barbers, one man sat at the nearest chair on the right hand side unattended, further down the shop a man was having his Afro trimmed by a short black barber, he turned to look as Chumf made his way towards him…..
“Can I help you Honky?” asked the man with the name tag “ Quentin”
“I’m looking for a trim Quentin” replied Chumf, knowing this would be an inflammatory remark.
“we don’t take kindly to wise guys in this part of town my honky friend, if you came for trouble, you wont be kept waiting long..”
Chumf watched as his short friend disappeared through the beaded entrance to the back of the shop.
“Yo Leroy, get your ass through here, we got a Honky looking to stir up some SHEEEET”
Quentin came back to continue with his Afro, Chumf heard Leroy before he saw him, he could barely fit through the door, a huge fat bastard of a man, he wore a black two piece tracksuit, a small Eskimo family could hibernate in his trousers, he had breasts that Oprah Winfrey would be proud of and unbeknown to Leroy he had 6 or 7 french fries stuck to his chin.
“what y’all doing in here Honky?” asked Leroy in a voice that could only be described as fat.
“hey Leroy, I don’t want no trouble I simply asked your friend for a trim”
“get the fuzz outta here you piece of white sheeet”
Chumf needn’t no more invitation to act, as quick as lightning he had the burger munching blubber monster bent over one of the sinks running water straight onto his face, taking the excess fries off, Chumf produced his badge, sticking it under the nose of Leroy.
“now you listen here Fat Flaps, I should haul your whale ass downtown but I doubt we would have a cell big enough, so here is how its going to work, I am going to ask you a few non multiple choice questions”
“Fuzz you”
“oh no no no Leroy, that attitude will not do”
Chumf grabbed the small black Afro specialist Quentin and threw him to the ground whilst keeping Leroy bent over the sink, Chumf stood on the chest of the smaller man then pulled Leroy round until the chunky charmer had his legs apart standing above Quentin, Chumf quickly wheeked down Leroy’s mammoth trousers, he wasn’t wearing any underwear….(I will leave the rest to your imagination)
“now then Quentin, every time your friend here gives an answer to one of my questions that I am not entirely satisfied I push him closer to your face”
“ no Honky, please no, he hasn’t washed his balls since they shot Martin Luther in 68”
Just as this Chumf heard the bell ring, then the deep voice……
“Leroy, Quentin, get the fuzz outta here”
Chumf turned to see a huge black man surrounded by two what seemed to be bodyguards, the man told the two customers to scram and locked the door behind them, Leroy and Quentin had disappeared to the back of the shop whilst Leroy disputed whether the accidental ballwash he received in 71 counted.
“Good Afternoon Detective Taylor”
“who are you? And how do you know my name?” enquired Chumf
“I know you because you know me…”
At that the Black man opened his jacket to reveal a Huge “Z” at the end of his chain
Zoltan…..!!!
Is Zoltan the man behind the marmalade murders?
Is Quentin qualified to do Afro’s?
Who was responsible for Leroy’s accidental Ballwash?
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