Chumf’s weapon of choice was the Solero 47, some claimed the most powerful handgun in the world, he stood at the shooting gallery firing round after round whilst he waited on his new partner, Chumf had recently succumbed to the popularity of a tight perm, he wore brown suede shoes, brown corduroy action slacks, roll neck black jumper and a fawn leather jacket, he looked ace.
“Detective Taylor???” asked the soft voice
Chumf turned round to see a stunning brunette before him, she had big brown eyes, lips that you wanted to kiss for a month, she had bumps in all the right places, Chumf had not felt this aroused since he saw Bugs Bunny dress up as woman to fool Elmer Fudd.
“Who are you?”
“ I’m Your new partner, I’m Detective Sophia Cicciolina”
Chumf was dumbstruck, this vision in front of him was too beautiful for the streets of this God forsaken city, How could he take her to help him tackle the evil that was The Brown Koalas?, Chumf quickly came out of his daze and walked briskly away from Cicciolina, she hurried to keep up with him.
“what do we do first?” Enquired the keen Cadet
Chumf knew he had to get tough with her, he stopped and turned to face her
“now you listen here poppet, I aint about to get my tomatoes blown off protecting some rookie who thinks being a cop is something exciting to tell her friends when they gather for their next Tupperware party!!!”
“ I don’t appreciate your tone Detective Taylor..”
“ my tone???? , you think the scum of this city is going to consider their tone before they stick the barrel of their gun up your nostril?”
By this time Chumf stood at the drivers door of his Ford Mustang 1957 Garnajular, he loved this car, his Uncle Wilbur left it to him in his will, When Chumf was a young boy he would spend time cleaning the car and sitting behind the wheel pretending to be some Champion racer or maybe the hero in a James Dean style movie, one day Chumf actually killed the milk man when he let the hand brake off by accident, his Uncle Wilbur buried the body and delivered milk to the street for the rest of his working days.
Chumf didn’t stop Cicciolina entering the car, they sat in silence for what seemed to the rookie detective like an eternity as they drove along, Chumf turned right into Electric avenue, this was the centre of Black Gangland, Chumf’s informants told him the base for The Brown Koalas was at the back of a barbers shop called “Afros-R-us”, Chumf pulled up outside the shop.
“you wait here, this could get messy”
“shouldn’t I give you assistance?”
“no cupcake, you stay here and try not to blow up the car whilst I’ m gone”
A bell rang above the door as Chumf entered “Afros-R-us”, Afro booths lined each side of the barbers, one man sat at the nearest chair on the right hand side unattended, further down the shop a man was having his Afro trimmed by a short black barber, he turned to look as Chumf made his way towards him…..
“Can I help you Honky?” asked the man with the name tag “ Quentin”
“I’m looking for a trim Quentin” replied Chumf, knowing this would be an inflammatory remark.
“we don’t take kindly to wise guys in this part of town my honky friend, if you came for trouble, you wont be kept waiting long..”
Chumf watched as his short friend disappeared through the beaded entrance to the back of the shop.
“Yo Leroy, get your ass through here, we got a Honky looking to stir up some SHEEEET”
Quentin came back to continue with his Afro, Chumf heard Leroy before he saw him, he could barely fit through the door, a huge fat bastard of a man, he wore a black two piece tracksuit, a small Eskimo family could hibernate in his trousers, he had breasts that Oprah Winfrey would be proud of and unbeknown to Leroy he had 6 or 7 french fries stuck to his chin.
“what y’all doing in here Honky?” asked Leroy in a voice that could only be described as fat.
“hey Leroy, I don’t want no trouble I simply asked your friend for a trim”
“get the fuzz outta here you piece of white sheeet”
Chumf needn’t no more invitation to act, as quick as lightning he had the burger munching blubber monster bent over one of the sinks running water straight onto his face, taking the excess fries off, Chumf produced his badge, sticking it under the nose of Leroy.
“now you listen here Fat Flaps, I should haul your whale ass downtown but I doubt we would have a cell big enough, so here is how its going to work, I am going to ask you a few non multiple choice questions”
“Fuzz you”
“oh no no no Leroy, that attitude will not do”
Chumf grabbed the small black Afro specialist Quentin and threw him to the ground whilst keeping Leroy bent over the sink, Chumf stood on the chest of the smaller man then pulled Leroy round until the chunky charmer had his legs apart standing above Quentin, Chumf quickly wheeked down Leroy’s mammoth trousers, he wasn’t wearing any underwear….(I will leave the rest to your imagination)
“now then Quentin, every time your friend here gives an answer to one of my questions that I am not entirely satisfied I push him closer to your face”
“ no Honky, please no, he hasn’t washed his balls since they shot Martin Luther in 68”
Just as this Chumf heard the bell ring, then the deep voice……
“Leroy, Quentin, get the fuzz outta here”
Chumf turned to see a huge black man surrounded by two what seemed to be bodyguards, the man told the two customers to scram and locked the door behind them, Leroy and Quentin had disappeared to the back of the shop whilst Leroy disputed whether the accidental ballwash he received in 71 counted.
“Good Afternoon Detective Taylor”
“who are you? And how do you know my name?” enquired Chumf
“I know you because you know me…”
At that the Black man opened his jacket to reveal a Huge “Z” at the end of his chain
Zoltan…..!!!
Is Zoltan the man behind the marmalade murders?
Is Quentin qualified to do Afro’s?
Who was responsible for Leroy’s accidental Ballwash?
Friday, 22 February 2008
Chumf - The Frontier of Mofo Part 1
The summer of 76 was and still is the hottest on record, downtown L.A peaked at 125 Degrees Fahrenheit, water hydrants gushed all over the city, Dogs ate ice lollies, Men gladly hosed down each others balls, School was cancelled as kids and teachers alike passed out in the intolerable heat, housewives used dead squirrels as sun visors, Old folks were having dying competitions….
It was Hell on Earth……..
In amongst all this heat, this panic, this longing for chill, this clamber for cold, there was one man who had to be cool, one man who was used to operating a forklift when some jars of tomato puree had fell off the pallet, one hero amongst all the peasants and poppers, one man to save the world…..
This man was Chumf Taylor…… “The Hero’s Hero”!!!!!!
Police Chief Dug Duff was a man to fear and on this particular morning he was worse than usual, Chief Commissioner Lovecarpet had just been on the phone roasting Duff’s ass about the horrific rise in recent crime figures, Duff had tried to justify this by blaming this on the Sweltering weather, but Lovecarpet was having none of it…..
“I don’t give two shiny shits about the weather, your officers are trained to operate whether they are sweating enough to burst a dam or whether its so cold their nuts could be mistaken for raisins, I want these figures sorted…. I aint taking no more shit from City hall… Got it?....”
“I got it..” it mattered not the retort of Duff, Lovecarpet had hung up the line….
Chumf sat outside the office of Duff, he had already told the secretary to the Police Chief of his appointment.
“he’ll be right with you Detective Taylor”
Chumf thought she was a pretty girl, and did not consider it an impairment to her beauty that she had no left ear.
The secretary’s phone buzzed… she held it up to the ear she had.
“Chief Duff will see you now…”
Chumf entered the office, Chief Duff rose to shake his hand, Duff was a stocky built black man, with a Black handle bar moustache straight out of the top drawer, he wore a dark tweed suit, white shirt, Brown tie, probably mid 40s by Chumf’s reckoning.
“I haven’t seen a tie like that since the mid 40s Chief….” Silence fell on the room, not a great start By Chumf
“you know why you are here Chumf, we got a crime wave escalating quicker than a jet propelled Penguinhippo”
Duff shuffled uneasy in his seat, pushed out a squeaker then carried on.
“Sorry Chumf, I had dug butter sandwiches this morning, playing havoc with my guts…”
“they’ll do that….” replied Chumf , he knew better than most about Dug Butter.
“I know your history Chumf, you’re a wild card, a maverick, a sausage tamer, you get results sure, but from what I’m lead to believe, those results come at the cost and embarrassment of the city”
Chumf tried to explain…..
“save it Chumf, I got no choice but to take a chance with you, we got something spiraling out of control here in the City Of Angels, or I sometimes call it…The Shitty Of Angels..” Chumf didn’t laugh, because it wasn’t funny.
“you heard of The Brown Koalas Chumf?”
“who hasn’t Chief ?, I don’t know much about them tho”
Chief Duff went onto explain that The Koalas were a black militant group formed in the early 70s, their mission statement was simple but terrifying “Black Rule, Revenge for our brothers and sisters and Pure Eucalyptus”
The Brown Koala’s leader was “Zoltan”, a black African man who came to America in the early 60s, Zoltan real name “Terry Smith” was according to Chief Duff, responsible for the murders of 25 white congress men, in the Chief’s opinion Zoltan would never have been directly involved but more than likely organized the murders from afar and gave the order.
“whatever Koala carried this out has left these Mofos in one helluva state every time, each with their left shoe stuffed into their mouth, the Word “Grapefruit” written in black marker on their backs and last but not least … and I hope you are ready for this Chumf…”
“Go for it Chief, I can handle it”
“The Murderer fills their belly buttons with Marmalade…..”
Chumf covered his mouth with his hand to stop being sick…….
“it gets worse, the marmalade is out of date”
“sick bastard”
“the problem is Chumf , this guy is only following orders, The Brown Koalas are obviously all sickos and that’s why we need you….”
Chumf looked beyond Chief Duff out of his window looking down on the mean streets of LA, he thought to himself, how did I end up here?, what was wrong with a simple life bringing up a family?, What was the significance of the marmalade? ..
Chief Duff told Chumf to take the rest of the day to find out what he can about Zoltan and The Brown Koalas, tomorrow he would meet his new partner
“ a partner ??” asked an astonished Chumf
“ yes a partner Chumf, we think that the added responsibility of having someone beside you on the street may stop you bringing this department to its knees like you did In New York…ya crazy bastard!”
Chumf forced a smile…..
“now get the hell outta here” Barked the Chief as he put his moustache back into the top drawer.
Can Chumf stop the Brown Koala’s Reign of terror?
Will his new partner cut the mustard? Or Marmalade in fact?
All will be revealed in the part of Chumf - The Frontier of Mofo
It was Hell on Earth……..
In amongst all this heat, this panic, this longing for chill, this clamber for cold, there was one man who had to be cool, one man who was used to operating a forklift when some jars of tomato puree had fell off the pallet, one hero amongst all the peasants and poppers, one man to save the world…..
This man was Chumf Taylor…… “The Hero’s Hero”!!!!!!
Police Chief Dug Duff was a man to fear and on this particular morning he was worse than usual, Chief Commissioner Lovecarpet had just been on the phone roasting Duff’s ass about the horrific rise in recent crime figures, Duff had tried to justify this by blaming this on the Sweltering weather, but Lovecarpet was having none of it…..
“I don’t give two shiny shits about the weather, your officers are trained to operate whether they are sweating enough to burst a dam or whether its so cold their nuts could be mistaken for raisins, I want these figures sorted…. I aint taking no more shit from City hall… Got it?....”
“I got it..” it mattered not the retort of Duff, Lovecarpet had hung up the line….
Chumf sat outside the office of Duff, he had already told the secretary to the Police Chief of his appointment.
“he’ll be right with you Detective Taylor”
Chumf thought she was a pretty girl, and did not consider it an impairment to her beauty that she had no left ear.
The secretary’s phone buzzed… she held it up to the ear she had.
“Chief Duff will see you now…”
Chumf entered the office, Chief Duff rose to shake his hand, Duff was a stocky built black man, with a Black handle bar moustache straight out of the top drawer, he wore a dark tweed suit, white shirt, Brown tie, probably mid 40s by Chumf’s reckoning.
“I haven’t seen a tie like that since the mid 40s Chief….” Silence fell on the room, not a great start By Chumf
“you know why you are here Chumf, we got a crime wave escalating quicker than a jet propelled Penguinhippo”
Duff shuffled uneasy in his seat, pushed out a squeaker then carried on.
“Sorry Chumf, I had dug butter sandwiches this morning, playing havoc with my guts…”
“they’ll do that….” replied Chumf , he knew better than most about Dug Butter.
“I know your history Chumf, you’re a wild card, a maverick, a sausage tamer, you get results sure, but from what I’m lead to believe, those results come at the cost and embarrassment of the city”
Chumf tried to explain…..
“save it Chumf, I got no choice but to take a chance with you, we got something spiraling out of control here in the City Of Angels, or I sometimes call it…The Shitty Of Angels..” Chumf didn’t laugh, because it wasn’t funny.
“you heard of The Brown Koalas Chumf?”
“who hasn’t Chief ?, I don’t know much about them tho”
Chief Duff went onto explain that The Koalas were a black militant group formed in the early 70s, their mission statement was simple but terrifying “Black Rule, Revenge for our brothers and sisters and Pure Eucalyptus”
The Brown Koala’s leader was “Zoltan”, a black African man who came to America in the early 60s, Zoltan real name “Terry Smith” was according to Chief Duff, responsible for the murders of 25 white congress men, in the Chief’s opinion Zoltan would never have been directly involved but more than likely organized the murders from afar and gave the order.
“whatever Koala carried this out has left these Mofos in one helluva state every time, each with their left shoe stuffed into their mouth, the Word “Grapefruit” written in black marker on their backs and last but not least … and I hope you are ready for this Chumf…”
“Go for it Chief, I can handle it”
“The Murderer fills their belly buttons with Marmalade…..”
Chumf covered his mouth with his hand to stop being sick…….
“it gets worse, the marmalade is out of date”
“sick bastard”
“the problem is Chumf , this guy is only following orders, The Brown Koalas are obviously all sickos and that’s why we need you….”
Chumf looked beyond Chief Duff out of his window looking down on the mean streets of LA, he thought to himself, how did I end up here?, what was wrong with a simple life bringing up a family?, What was the significance of the marmalade? ..
Chief Duff told Chumf to take the rest of the day to find out what he can about Zoltan and The Brown Koalas, tomorrow he would meet his new partner
“ a partner ??” asked an astonished Chumf
“ yes a partner Chumf, we think that the added responsibility of having someone beside you on the street may stop you bringing this department to its knees like you did In New York…ya crazy bastard!”
Chumf forced a smile…..
“now get the hell outta here” Barked the Chief as he put his moustache back into the top drawer.
Can Chumf stop the Brown Koala’s Reign of terror?
Will his new partner cut the mustard? Or Marmalade in fact?
All will be revealed in the part of Chumf - The Frontier of Mofo
Monday, 4 February 2008
Chumf - Nowhere Man
Chumf was brought up by two Norwegian lesbians called “twalda” and “valda”, Twalda was a welder and Valda a bouncer at the local Bone Rubbing club in downtown Oslo. At the age of 8 Chumf won his first of many competitions, he was “Champion Dog flanneler 1976” this involved fitting trousers to a various number of different dogs, he seemed to excel at this especially with one particular Bloodhound called “Fudge”…
Chumf’s life had its own brand of tragedy “twalda” was beheaded by a rampant trainee lumberjack allegedly upset at finding out someone had already invented Milk, Valda did her best to continue but soon became addicted to cinnamon and died at the age of 178. Chumf was left to vend for himself from the age of 27…
Danny Flannery was the kind of man who had an eye at each side of his nose, the kind of man who knew where his own balls were… he carried out his first hit at the age of 8 using a harpoon to impale the local Godfather in his home town of Plamphf , Country Flapjack, the town awoke to the site of Sean McKackallany hanging from the local RS McColls harpoon through his Johnson!!!
“it’s been a long time danny”
“ yes it has Chumf..sorry Simon”
“ tea simon?”
“yes frog not toad”
They had work to do and got down to the fine details, they had to steal a ruby from the anus of local ganglord “Tubbs Fattika”,
“did you bring the Vaseline Simon?”
“yes but we have work to do?” replied Chumf
Chumf’s life had its own brand of tragedy “twalda” was beheaded by a rampant trainee lumberjack allegedly upset at finding out someone had already invented Milk, Valda did her best to continue but soon became addicted to cinnamon and died at the age of 178. Chumf was left to vend for himself from the age of 27…
Danny Flannery was the kind of man who had an eye at each side of his nose, the kind of man who knew where his own balls were… he carried out his first hit at the age of 8 using a harpoon to impale the local Godfather in his home town of Plamphf , Country Flapjack, the town awoke to the site of Sean McKackallany hanging from the local RS McColls harpoon through his Johnson!!!
“it’s been a long time danny”
“ yes it has Chumf..sorry Simon”
“ tea simon?”
“yes frog not toad”
They had work to do and got down to the fine details, they had to steal a ruby from the anus of local ganglord “Tubbs Fattika”,
“did you bring the Vaseline Simon?”
“yes but we have work to do?” replied Chumf
The Chronicles of Chumf Taylor
Chumf knew he had to make it to Gaircwoieh airport by sundown, he left Laughing Harri sipping her tea alone back in Wangpong, he told her he had to go and buy some wart ointment, she watched as he disappeared into the crowd, she thought to herself that the wart ointment shop was in the opposite direction.
This was typical of Chumf, always leaving through the crowds and shadows, Laughing Harri wiped a tear from her eye, took a deep breath and got on with her plans for the day……
Meanwhile Chumf was passing through customs at Gaircwoieh Airport, he had changed into his new guise in the airport toilets, Green Sports Jacket, Cream slacks, brown brogues and a multi-colored cravat, in this age of non smoking a pipe seemed an unnecessary addition and in fact likely to draw unwelcome attention…..
Chumf handed his latest passport to the controller…
“ have a safe journey Mr Cheese”
“Thank you”
Chumf’s orders told him to fly to Manila in the phillipines where he was to pose as Yacht Salesman and Monkey expert “Simon Cheese”….
There he was met by “May Ching Chang” aka Tess Turner the former kgb spy, chumf had worked with her before when the two of them were asked to investigate the strange case of “Wily Willy The Chernobyl Chopper”…. It was 10 years since they solved this case… since then the only thing he heard about “Tess Turner” was that she married an Nepalese Monk by the name of “Kevin”……
He knew there would be no time for reminiscing.. they had a job to do and his only concern was finding out what this job was…
Tess waited for Chumf by the clock in the manila plaza.. similar to the one in Cumbernauld Chumf thought to himself..
“I will take you to a local tea house Mr Cheese, we must meet up with Danny Flannery the Irish assassin, he will be part of our operation….”
“does this tea house sell Frog tea?” asked Chumf
“frog, toad ,rabbit and hamster tea Mr Cheese”
“perfect, just perfect” smiled Chumf…..
This was typical of Chumf, always leaving through the crowds and shadows, Laughing Harri wiped a tear from her eye, took a deep breath and got on with her plans for the day……
Meanwhile Chumf was passing through customs at Gaircwoieh Airport, he had changed into his new guise in the airport toilets, Green Sports Jacket, Cream slacks, brown brogues and a multi-colored cravat, in this age of non smoking a pipe seemed an unnecessary addition and in fact likely to draw unwelcome attention…..
Chumf handed his latest passport to the controller…
“ have a safe journey Mr Cheese”
“Thank you”
Chumf’s orders told him to fly to Manila in the phillipines where he was to pose as Yacht Salesman and Monkey expert “Simon Cheese”….
There he was met by “May Ching Chang” aka Tess Turner the former kgb spy, chumf had worked with her before when the two of them were asked to investigate the strange case of “Wily Willy The Chernobyl Chopper”…. It was 10 years since they solved this case… since then the only thing he heard about “Tess Turner” was that she married an Nepalese Monk by the name of “Kevin”……
He knew there would be no time for reminiscing.. they had a job to do and his only concern was finding out what this job was…
Tess waited for Chumf by the clock in the manila plaza.. similar to the one in Cumbernauld Chumf thought to himself..
“I will take you to a local tea house Mr Cheese, we must meet up with Danny Flannery the Irish assassin, he will be part of our operation….”
“does this tea house sell Frog tea?” asked Chumf
“frog, toad ,rabbit and hamster tea Mr Cheese”
“perfect, just perfect” smiled Chumf…..
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