Chumf - The Wilderness Years

Chumf’s next mission involved playing the blues at The “shammalammadingdong” club in The deep South town of “Nonegro”, Texas. This was the kinda hick town where your dad was also your sister, your uncle was your gran and your mother was the local butcher….

Chumf thumbed a lift on route 109 from a blind farmer riding along on a PenguinHippo, there was barely room for Chumf but his legs needed the rest so he was happy to squeeze in where he could.



“you uh…. You aint from around here sonny”

“ no sir I aint” replied Chumf trying hard to sound local and hide his strong Stornaway accent.

“well I hope you’re ready for the next town cos I aint going no further tonight”

“ that’s fine sir, what is the next town?”



The old man turned round and pointed his mad eyes at chumf…..” Nonegro sonny, and I wouldn’t send my penguinhippo to get his balls washed in that town…”

“oh…..”

“ I would take you further boy , but then id have to hump ya!!”

The rest of the journey dragged for Chumf……….



In old money terms Chumf had 4 quavers and a whistle left to get him a roof over his head, the rain lashed down on his tweed flannels and checked shirt as he walked along the main route through Nonegro, he walked past one open doorway where he could hear the classic song “oops there goes my balloons” by Blues Singer Johnny Favorite coming from a transistor radio.

Then came the voice…” you looking for a room son?” This large buxom black mama asked in a kind voice

“yes I am ma’am”

“well I can let you bed down on my couch if you don’t mind sleeping in same room as my dog Vincent”

Vincent appeared from around the door, this was one ugly mother of a dog, four ears, 3 noses and a pair of national health specs, it looked friendly all the same.

“that will be just fine ma,am”



Next day Chumf woke early , offered to pay his temporary landlord what he could for his stay to which she declined,

“save your money son, buy yourself a guitar to accompany that beautiful voice I heard this morning”

Chumf could only smile, It was Vincent the dog that was singing, but it did give Chumf an idea as he knew he could hold a tune.




The Shammalammadingdong Club was dark, smoky and smelly, the women looked cheap and the men looked glad, Chumf found out from the pretty blonde bar tender that the man to talk to about getting a little music slot was “Fats Rooster”, he was located through the back of the club where they raced hamsters, Fats Rooster owned the hamster that went by the name of “Timothy”, Chumf later found out that Timothy had been banned from the “Special Vermin Olympics” for using the banned Hamster steroid “Gerbohypnol”, he was only discovered when he was found to have been affected by the rare side effect of the drug which causes a strange self slapping reaction, as he was on the podium for The Hamster anthem he knocked himself out with ten rapid slaps.



After the drama of the Hamster race (to which Timothy broke down on the second lap with a pulled hamsterstring) Chumf approached Fats…



“I can offer you 15 minutes for 5 dollars and you better hope you sold your soul to the devil at those crossroads cos these people don’t tolerate no shitty pickers”

“I wont pick shitty sir!”

“good , ok you are on in 10”



Now was time for Chumf to get ready for the real objective of his trip To Nonegro, before he even hitched the lift on the penguinhippo he knew why he was in the deep south, Fats Rooster was the Criminal mastermind behind “The Wackers” , a yardie style gang who worshipped the god “Bovril”, Chumf’s orders were to take out the top man” Fats” by whatever method he could , the only other thing asked of by HQ was that he got himself and anyone else who helped out of there and over the Mexican border by sunrise.



Chumf started his set with the old standard “ Something Strange in my trousers” which went down fairly well, at this point he noticed the arrival of his accomplice the glamourous “Doris Danger ” , she was the perfect distraction for Chumf to carry out his mission, halfway through his second song “ The Trouble With Trout” the lights went, Chumf had to move quick, he memorized where he stood in relation to “Fats” , by the time the lights came back on, Fats had to be dead and Chumf had to be on his way out of Nonegro with Doris. He had never worked with Doris before, she was fresh out of Spy college , wet behind the ears but learning quick, otherwise HQ wouldn’t have sent her to aid Chumf.



Chumf carried out the hit with the coldness he was renowned for, by the time the lights came back up “Fats Rooster” lay dead in the middle of the Floor of “The Shammalammadingdong Club”, Fats lay on his back with the G string of Chumf,s guitar round his neck , a onion in his mouth and a hat saying “ Kiss me Quick “ on his head.



Screams filled the Club, “ it was the singer, I saw him run out” shouted Timothy the Hamster

A mob chased after Chumf, he looked back to see them burst out of the Club’s doors, then out of nowhere Chumf’s legs were taken from him, next thing bang and all Chumf’s world went dark.



“ooga booga ooga ooga booga”

Chumf awoke to the sound of the strange chanting, he tried to move his feet and hands but couldn’t , the fear gripped him as he remembered the events of The Shammalamma, he was tied to a wooden pole with a large bonfire burning in front of him, The Wackers surrounded him chanting and point at him , he knew “The Wackers” were cannibals and there was a good chance this was how he would meet his maker, by having his plums boiled then eaten with some vegetables covered in Paul Newman’s Latest salad dressing.





They approached him slowly but meanacingly, The Chief wacker held a huge already blood stained sword, he pointed it towards Chumf’s Johnson rubbing his tummy with the other hand, Chumf knew his time was up, he closed his eyes and hoped for a quick death………..



They approached him slowly but menacingly, The Chief wacker held a huge already blood stained sword, Chumf knew his time was up he closed his eyes and hoped for a quick death………..



“Look out a penguinhippo...RUN!!!” Screamed one of the Wackers at the back of the crowd approaching Chumf

On the back of the Penguinhippo, there was Doris Danger whipping the large cross bred animal making it gallop furiously towards the Wackers they scattered and ran for cover, Penguinhippos were not the largest animals but they were especially feared by Wackers who in their own bible believed the creatures to be of extreme power and superstition

Doris jumped down from the beast, quickly untied Chumf , tucked away his Johnson that The Wackers had left out for a laugh, tossed him onto the Penguinhippo who had struck up a conversation with a drunk beaver….. They moved away from the scene of Chumf’s close shave with death



“Doris, you saved my life…. How can I ever repay you?

“By not calling me Doris..”

Just at that Doris reached her fingers seemingly tearing at the skin of her neck, to Chumf’s surprise and horror she ripped off which could only be described as a second skin…



“Laughing Harri!!!” Exclaimed Chumf, shocked but happy at the discovery of his old accomplice

“did you think I would leave you dying ? when there’s room on my Penguinhippo for two?” How they chuckled as they rode down Route 109 bound for Mexico…….

Chumf - The Short Beginnings

Chumf awoke next to a Vietnamese farmer called “Chop De Barley”, he had no recollection of how he got there, why he was naked except a straw hat? and more alarmingly why this small Oriental man was kissing his upper arm whilst still asleep ?

Chumf slid out of the bed trying his best not to wake his farmer bed mate, he stepped into his now creased red chiffon dress, thoughts raced through his head..

Had he?

Would he ?

Did he?


Nah he wouldn’t, but no doubt in his red dress the night before, Chumf had seemed as feminine and seductive as any other female to this love starved little agriculturist, Chumf's plan was always to infiltrate Chop De Barley’s quarters, but to end up sleeping in same bed as him was certainly beyond the call of duty, but he had gained the information required, in the end that is always all that really matters.


Now he headed back to the centre of Wangpong, tipping the taxi drivers 4 lobbiedozers he found in his red matching handbag.Chumf was quite a sight, now less his wig and resorted to trainers as a pose to high heels, He met his female accomplice… “Laughing Harri” in a small tea room used mostly by the small number of middle class Wangpongians.

Laughing Harri looked pleased to see him…..

“love the dress Chumf”


“I love it too harri… I love it too…! “ winking as he downed his frog tea!!!