The Fire Drill for the cruise liner 'Tootsnaff' took place every Tuesday Morning, a roll call for all passengers was taken by the Penguin staff on board, you would be required to attend on deck 8 with your life jacket properly secured and stand tightly packed in single file with the other passengers. On this particular morning the water was more choppy than usual for the time of year and in truth was uncharacteristic for this ocean. The Penguins had clipboards to tick off all the passengers as they emerged onto the deck, they would be collated by room number and number of patrons per room, the drill alarm sounded at 10, many half asleep hungover voyagers staggered their way out onto deck, the Penguin guides tried to keep it light with some jokes in keeping with Martime terminology, Chumf forced a smile, quite sure the jokes were the same every week.
Harri had been awake since early, she watched the sun rise from the bow of the ship, the beauty of it all was overwhelming for her in her present frame of mind, she wiped tears from her eyes on a few occasions, they were tears of sadness but also tears of happiness thinking back to the good times with Chumf, the first time they met he was fresh from a reconnaissance mission deep in the Vietnamese jungle, Chumf was dressed in a terracotta wind cheater, he entered the small cafe where they had arranged to meet, the confirmation that Chumf really was Chumf was his order of 'Frog Tea, hold the saffron', he was everything she had dreamed he would be, confidence just short of arrogance, the presence and sex appeal of a bag of onions and what Chumf didn't know about 'the street' was not worth knowing.
The competition between the female trainees at Spy college was fierce and unrelenting, everyone of them aspired to work with Chumf, more than a few of the female cadets had signed pictures of Chumf's balls stuck to the inside of their locker, Harri had too much respect for herself to stoop to that level of adoration, she simply had an advert for 'Frog Tea' torn from a magazine, she knew one day she would see him sip his special tea.
The drill was all but over, all passengers accounted for, Bryson saw Chumf further down the boat, he moved toward him,
'I eh, I did not think much of the way you left me the other night, even if you did see Kevin Keegan'
'Sorry old bean, I did not know that was Kevin Keegan, I thought it was Harri'
'ok ok Understood, I am starting to think this Slug caper might just be....'
Just at that the boat swayed violently from side to side, Chumf and Bryson tried to grab for anything to hold onto to save them being tossed overboard, Bryson roared in joyful fear...
'This is it Chumfy, this is the Slug, it all makes sense'
The ocean was whipped into a frenzy, 100 feet waves crashed into the boat, something started to surface, a large set of tentacles came bursting through the sea surface, Chumf grabbed Bryson trying to pull him inside the ship, by this time the outside of the ship was a study in pandemonium, people falling over each other, penguins fighting with each other for one of the few sets of water wings, it was terror in it's truest, purest form. The Slug had risen from the ocean in all its horrific beauty, it stood 200 feet high thrashing and wailing, Bryson stopped dead as the others tried to clamber back inside, he was awe struck.
'Bryson, Come on, lets get inside'. Bryson could not hear Chumf, this was his moment of destiny, he looked up towards the Slug, smiling, the deck had cleared of all the passengers except Chumf and Bryson,
'Bryson, we need to go, this is no romance story, this Slug will kill you, I am sorry I ever doubted you but please, MOVE!!!'
It was too late, The Maritime Slug dipped forward to the side of the boat, whipped its right tentacle and swooped Chumf and Bryson away.
**********************************************************************************************************************************************************
In a similar fashion to persecuted Rangers fans, Chumf and Bryson were kept in a holding pen in the Slug's lair deep below the ocean, they were given a ticket similar to that of the prescription system used in Boots the chemist in times gone by. The cavernous lair dripped with slime and carried the potent scent of Slugbutter, foot soldiers for the Slug guarded Chumf and Bryson, feeding them with sauteed Acorns, withered witchnipples and bum-grapes.
There were many captives in the air who had been taken to see the Slug and not returned, panic had started to grip Bryson, Chumf did his best allay his friend's fear whilst at the same time felt a sense of bitterness that Bryson had got him involved in this stramash in the first place.
'Don't stress Bryson, I will get us out of this place' Bryson sniffled a response
'and how are you, going to do that?'. Chumf did not like the tone and was maddened by the questioning of his ability, he grabbed Bryson by the lapels on his Cat-sized sports jacket and lifted him up to face height.
'Now you listen to me,you have got us into this mess, I have had enough on my plate without you'
Chumf's tirade was interrupted by the clanking of keys and the opening of their holding pen, a sloth guard motioned them out,
'Our Highness will see you now'.
Jazz/Punk fusion Music bellowed through the caves of the Slug's lair as they were lead towards the main Slugitorium, high pitched screams could be heard, bongo drums beaten at an intimidating tone, the Maritime Slug sat proudly his throne as they entered.
'SILENCE!' The Slug ordered his ranks
'see Chumf, told you he was Slovakian', Bryson whispered to Chumf'
'So you are the great Chumf, the savior of Streath and this must be your Harri?'
From behind a curtain Harri was revealed, strapped into a cage held by chains from the roof of the lair, she was scantily clad in a buffalo skin bathing suit with detachable bum flap, her hands and legs stretched out wide like the dude from 'World in Action'.
What Chumf felt at this stage was unmatched human anguish, like the kind of feeling you get when you get home at night and find that you have missed the delivery man who had a new dinner set for you. Harri screamed for Chumf, Chumf struggled to get free from his manacles to run towards Harri. From thinking their love was dead and over, here they were brought back together in the Slug's lair, about to be put to death for being non-believers, maybe this is the way it was meant to happen, to live and love together and to die together.
'help me Chumf, Please, I forgive you, I love you'
'I Love you too Harri, I am sorry'
The Slug laughed a loud mocking laugh,
'KILL THEM BOTH'.
The guards separated Chumf from Bryson and threw him to the floor in front of the Slug, Harri was freed and kneeled next to Chumf, Harri with tear laden eyes looked at Chumf and he back, they both wept with fear of the unknown but also at the love they felt.
'You doubted my very existence despite what that Jewish Cat told you, so now you must die'
Bryson was freed and was given a seat next to The Slug, and offered some sandwiches, The guard walked forward armed with a Saif, put it Harri's neck fixing his aim, he drew back...
'WAIT' Chumf shouted allowed, The Guard stopped and looked towards the Slug for further guidance.
'Ok you slimy Slug, what do you want from me?, you are a businessman, there must be something'
Chumf's baited breath plea was his last throw of the dice, after a pregnant pause came the words Chumf dreaded more than any.
'I WANT YOUR BALLS'.
All that Chumf was, were his balls, his balls were his life blood, his power, his very meaning, he was willing to put them on the line for their future.
'don't do it Chumf', pleaded Harri, 'our time has come to die'
'I can live a nomal existence without my balls Harri, I can be someone else without them, I have to do this', Chumf stood and nodded his agreement to the Slug.
Chumf was pulled to his feet, the guard whipped down his chinos, an anvil was brought over by a slobbering ogre. they spared Chumf the indignity of having someone else man-handle his manhandlers, he reached in and brought out his balls for what would be the last time, they sat neatly on the anvil.
'any last requests Chumf?' asked the Slug
'Just treat them well'
The Guard drew back his sword, looked to The Slug for direction awaiting his nod, The Slug bowed his head forward once, down came the Sword and Chumf's balls were off. Chumf fell backwards, Harri wept, Bryson spewed his ring. Chumf's balls were taken by the guard to display in front of the Slug, he merely acknowledged the balls and motioned for them to be taken away for storage, Chumf fell silent on the ground, Harri was freed and left to run to him,
'Chumf , oh Chumf, what have they done?' Harri sobbed at Chumf's seemingly lifeless body.
'They have done nothing Harri, Look!, Chumf looked up at Harri winking, she held herself together despite the joy at what she could see, Harri looked down and there in full resplendence were Chumf's balls.
'But How?'
'Explanations later Harri, we got work to do'
The Slug, his Guards and Minions were celebrating their victory by sharing some Dugbutter Vermouth, Bryson drank with them but his face told another story, yes he had found The Slug, but like any quest whether it be in Love or Life, the best part is always the chase, the proof of his years of research was there right in front of his eyes, he was right about The Maritime Slug, but the part of his dream where he was re-united with Florence had not as yet materialised, Florence was not there, not there to see his defining moment, and in his bid for glory he had seen his new friend Chumf lose his balls, Bryson was hollow and sad, but not for long
Chumf jumped to his feet, pounced on the nearest guard and broke his neck with the 'Ramadan' manoeuvre, labelled such due to its speed, he took the sword from his first victim and sliced through the next 2 guards, The Slug and his troops had been caught on the back foot and Chumf made in-roads towards the Slimy mess of a monster,
'CEASE HIM!'.
Chumf twisted and turned smashing the Troops to bits whilst Harri whooped and hollered behind him, in the ensuing stramash Bryson had slipped away from his cushioned chair at the side of the Slug, though he did smuggle some of the sandwiches in his pocket for later, The Slug's troops were all either dead or had ran for cover from Chumf, he stood in front of The Slug.
'Ok fats, its just you and me'...
The Slug started to laugh, it grew louder and louder with each breath till the noise was deafening,
'You cant kill me with your sword, I cannot be killed by conventional weapons'
'No you can't , but you can be killed by this!' From out of nowhere Bryson jumped in between Chumf and the Slug, produced a tub of Saxo salt and threw it directly onto his prey,
'run Chumf, this is not going to be pretty'
The beast roared, twisted and shouted like a Beatle, spat out some expletives in Slovakian and disappeared into nothing. The Maritime Slug was gone.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The Ocean had settled, a small rescue dingy had picked up Chumf, Harri and Bryson when they surfaced from the lair. Harri lay in Chumf's arms, safe again, Bryson watched the waves lap onto the side of the small boat, contemplating what next.
Harri stirred, Chumf stroked her forehead savouring the moment and the peace seeing her sleep brought him,
'Chumf, you never told me about what happened with your balls'
'Prostethic Ballsack Harri, old Cornelius Manbra's idea, said it would come in handy one day, and he was right'
'He sure was Chumf, he sure was' Harri closed her eyes again and slept a peaceful sleep, content that Chumf was back in her life.
Chumf will always be around, he is the ice on your windscreen, he is the pound coin and full packet of Trebor strong mints mysteriously left on the floor of your toilet cubicle at work, he is the unpicked bramble, he is all things to all humans.
Can the Love last for Chumf and Harri?
What next for Bryson?
Whats it all about?, do you really want to know?
Peace and Love Y'all :)
Thursday, 28 October 2010
Thursday, 30 September 2010
Chumf and The Maritime Slug Part 2
Bryson sat at the desk in his cabin, a small lamp lit up his work, he had hundreds of newspaper clippings on The Maritime Slug, he smoked on his pipe as he looked through his half rim glasses. He had a map of the ocean lain out, dotted and dated with the supposed sightings over the last 500 years. The descriptions of the beast ranged from 50 to 500 feet high and wide, some claimed it roared and spoke in an Slovakian twang, some claimed it spat its venomous intoxicating poison at it’s victims, scooping them up with its tentacles before disappearing with them below the waves, others claimed The Maritime Slug invented the Soda Stream..
Bryson’s recent life was littered with heartbreak, his feline fancy left him on a stormy night, she kissed him and got out of their bed, Bryson pleaded and begged her not to walk out the door, but she packed her bag and turned right away. With a bruised heart, Bryson swore never to get hurt again so he threw himself into his work as a freelance journalist, he struck up a prosperous partnership with a Fox Photographer called Gerry Brush, 2nd cousin to Basil, after years of freelance work the two of them were employed by the Daily Flange to work on the more obscure stories, it started out with the usual side column stories of Potatoes that looked like Jesus or crisps that looked like Crocodiles. Slowly but surely they won praise for their work, the side stories became main stories, the plaudits, accolades and then eventually awards rolled in. When the Paper’s Sunday Supplement wanted someone to cover the “Dundee Dog Derby”, in print and picture, Bryson and Gerry were the first on the list, they were granted carte blanche in terms of expenses. “get the story, make it gritty, we need an expose’ on this’. The editor’s words were clear to them, this was a chance for the perfect road trip and a chance for Bryson to find his smile again.
That week changed Bryson’s life, highs, hookers and hangovers. One Acid laden night Bryson met a Norwegian Bassett Hound who went by the name of Torvig, it was he who first told Bryson of the legend of the Maritime Slug. Something clicked and twisted in Bryson’s mind, everything about the story and legend fascinated him, there was a romance and mystique to the tale, and more importantly Bryson believed it to be true, in some in-direct way he believed that if he could slay The Maritime Slug that he could win back the love of Florence, his feline fancy, every day since and every ounce of Bryson’s energy was directed towards The Slug.
_________________________________________________________________________
Chumf made a tentative enquiry at the Beauty Salon on board,
The tanned assistant with the white overall met Chumf’s eyes as he entered,
‘yes sir? How can I help you today?’
‘yes eh, I have had a look at your prices, but what I am after is not on your list’
‘and what would that be sir?, I think we can manage just about anything here’
Chumf looked behind him, slightly embarrassed and checking no one was there to overhear his request, he then whispered,
‘do you do ball washes?’
‘why of course sir!, is it for both balls?’, Chumf was shocked at the nonchalance at which the assistant showed.
‘well, eh, yeah both balls please’
‘ok sir, would you like them shined also?’
‘well, yeah I’ll take the full works’
‘well sir the full works involves waxing and exfoliation, it really all depends on the how sensitive your scrotum skin is, we have a chart I can show you’
* * * * * * * * * *
Harri read through the daily cruise itinerary while she dried her bush, Cruise News was an informative guide to the day's destination and also what was on all over the ship, as well as this, the travellers were kept informed by regular tannoy announcements from the Ship's cruise director, the cruise company 'Tootsnaff' tried to cater for everyone......it read like the following
Snudge Bar 1pm. Sneezing etiquette for Masonic Martians
Pool deck 2pm. Bingo for born again Beavers
Galileo's Gamesroom 4.30pm. Naked Nipple Nudging
and Crochet....Tootsnaff cannot accept responsibility for any injuries caused during this event.
Harri was not taken by any of the planned activities, Maxine, her Albino Denim Pig friend suggested getting smashed on Singapore Slings, but Harri remembered that Maxine had made a pass at her the last time they got squiffy together so Harri politley declined and agreed to meet Maxine later for Dinner in the Horse Restaurant.
Harri went to the buffet for breakfast, grapefruit followed by Morrocan Monkey Liver, she moved outside to the pool bar to enjoy her customary post-meal menthol cigarette, the pool deck was particularly busy as this way one of the ship's days at sea, Harri liked to people-watch, try and work out what the set up was with different couples or families, try and decipher what secrets they may hide from each other, if any, that thought brought her back to Chumf, the lies, the secrets and the lost bus tickets. Harri found herself tuning into a conversation at the table behind,
'I am sick of having to pamper all these fat smelly old men, they disgust me', Harri cricked her neck pretending to look beyond the two young females sat at the table, they were dressed in all white uniforms.
'But there was one guy who came for an appointment this morning, he was so charming and sooooooo good looking and he had the highest rating for scrotum sensitivity I have ever seen'
Harri's heart missed a beat, she quickly stubbed her menthol out on her tongue and went towards the girl's table,
'I am so sorry about this but I overheard your conversation, this man you speak of with the ballwash'
'Mam, I am so sorry I cannot talk about our clientele'
'Ok ok I understand but tell me this, did he have brown eyes?, dimples and the kind of smile that made you feel like you had just found an extra one in your packet of Fridge raiders when you thought they were finished'
'oh my God, how could you know that?' The beauty therapist was aghast, Harri was elated, surely only one man could fit this description.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Chumf felt refreshed after his testi-cure, he decided to investigate more of the vessel, the ship was kept fantastically clean, Indonesian horse flunkies were hard at it with brasso, bannisters cleaned four times a day, windows the same, carpets hoovered on the hour and toilets de-framped each midday.
Chumf looked around the various boutiques and souvenir shops, he then went to rest and watch the ocean go by in one of the many bar areas, a Penguinhippo played some relaxing tunes on the piano, a jazz version of the Bacharach classic ‘someone else’s vauxhall’, followed by ‘System Restore Blues’ then ‘The Ballad of Perfectly Normal Behaviour’.
The vastness of the Ocean mesmerised Chumf, it had an hypnotic quality, his trance like state was broken by one of the bar tenders dropping his tray full of drinks, some passengers helped him rescue the mess, Chumf looked…then looked again, IT COULDN’T BE!!!!, at the far side of the lobby, beyond the rumpus caused by the careless bartender, there walked a lady with the same shape, height and bush bulge as Harri , Chumf struggled past the kind hearted folks who were helping the bar tender, he was then stopped by an on board tour party being shown around the ship, he swerved around the people, hoping to catch up with Harri, he got to the stairwell and elevators, just to see one elevator closing, he pushed the buttons impatiently but the elevator moved going upwards, he raced the stairs checking on each level to see if it was stopping , the lift was moving quicker than he could climb the stairs, he reached the 9th floor , he checked the numbers above the lift door on this level to see that the lift had stopped on floor 10, he bounded up the stairs, the lift door’s were open with no one inside, he had two ways he could choose to go, he opted right, the long thing corridor with cabins on either side stretched far in front of him, it had the haunting never ending look of the corridors in ‘The Shining’, Chumf saw what he thought was Harri again in the distance, he raced towards her, ‘Harri, HARRI, HARRRIIIII’. At that moment a huge fat balloon of a man came out of his cabin, Chumf ran straight into him, bouncing backwards and falling onto his backside, in the ensuing seconds Chumf took to recover from the collision, the female figure had disappeared out of site. Chumf Snapped,
‘YOU HUGE FAT TIT, YOU UTTER FAT BLOB OF USELESSNESS, YOU HAVE JUST RUINED MY LIFE YOU BLUBBERING FLABFEST’
Chumf remained prostrate and started to cry, as the Fat Man walked away muttering, ‘charming’!
‘Problems my friend?’ came a different voice. Bryson appeared from his own cabin, reached out to help Chumf to his tired feet........
'Love is like a raccoon Chumf, sure it looks small, simple and black and white, but before you know it you are a small mammal living in North America'
Wise words poured from Bryson as he tried to comfort Chumf.
'my heart was broken once, it hurt bad and it has never properly mended so I vowed never to let anything have that grip on me again'
'but Bryson, surely The Maritime Slug has a grip on you' Chumf reasoned.
Bryson placed his index finger at his mouth, alarmed at the volume of Chumf's mention of the slug, in a hushed tone Bryson chastised him,
'Please, you must keep your voice lowered when you mention him, you never know who is listening'....
Chumf took time to look around the Medusa ballroom, the people were a typical cross section of society, young couples still doughy eyed in love with each other, both sets of genitals red raw, Mums and Dads with young kids tormenting them for more money or juice or whatever the kids required to keep them occupied, middle aged couples sitting in silence secretly plotting ways in which to gain Life insurance money from their spouse, then there were a table of seven Fruit-Lions playing Brag, typical of them. Like most cruise ships, there was an exorbitant amount of geriatrics, who despite sitting with an equally wrinkled partner, thought they were on their own. This was how Chumf saw his fellow seafarers, how he viewed the world at the moment, through cynical heart-broken eyes.
Then just as quick as chocolate sand Chumf saw her again, he saw what he thought to be Harri, she stood by the bar, back turned to Chumf, surrounded by 2 small headless men,
'Bryson, shut the f'ck up for a minute and watch my drink'
Chumf made his way over the mirror-balled darkened dance-floor, Harri had not moved, he took a breath to compose himself, reached out a hand to touch his love's shoulder, the figure turned round, it wasn't Harri, it was Kevin Keegan, not modern day KK, this was late 70's Hamburg Kevin Keegan.
'hey mate, you want an autograph?'
Chumf beared his johnson and let Keegan scrawl his signature along his gland, it had been a long day so without even acknowledging Bryson, he headed for bed.
Can Chumf and Harri overcome these cruel twists of fate?
Where is the maritime slug?
Whats the best, Fifa or Pro Evo?
All might be revealed in the concluding part of Chumf and The Maritime Slug.
Peace and Love Y'all.
Bryson’s recent life was littered with heartbreak, his feline fancy left him on a stormy night, she kissed him and got out of their bed, Bryson pleaded and begged her not to walk out the door, but she packed her bag and turned right away. With a bruised heart, Bryson swore never to get hurt again so he threw himself into his work as a freelance journalist, he struck up a prosperous partnership with a Fox Photographer called Gerry Brush, 2nd cousin to Basil, after years of freelance work the two of them were employed by the Daily Flange to work on the more obscure stories, it started out with the usual side column stories of Potatoes that looked like Jesus or crisps that looked like Crocodiles. Slowly but surely they won praise for their work, the side stories became main stories, the plaudits, accolades and then eventually awards rolled in. When the Paper’s Sunday Supplement wanted someone to cover the “Dundee Dog Derby”, in print and picture, Bryson and Gerry were the first on the list, they were granted carte blanche in terms of expenses. “get the story, make it gritty, we need an expose’ on this’. The editor’s words were clear to them, this was a chance for the perfect road trip and a chance for Bryson to find his smile again.
That week changed Bryson’s life, highs, hookers and hangovers. One Acid laden night Bryson met a Norwegian Bassett Hound who went by the name of Torvig, it was he who first told Bryson of the legend of the Maritime Slug. Something clicked and twisted in Bryson’s mind, everything about the story and legend fascinated him, there was a romance and mystique to the tale, and more importantly Bryson believed it to be true, in some in-direct way he believed that if he could slay The Maritime Slug that he could win back the love of Florence, his feline fancy, every day since and every ounce of Bryson’s energy was directed towards The Slug.
_________________________________________________________________________
Chumf made a tentative enquiry at the Beauty Salon on board,
The tanned assistant with the white overall met Chumf’s eyes as he entered,
‘yes sir? How can I help you today?’
‘yes eh, I have had a look at your prices, but what I am after is not on your list’
‘and what would that be sir?, I think we can manage just about anything here’
Chumf looked behind him, slightly embarrassed and checking no one was there to overhear his request, he then whispered,
‘do you do ball washes?’
‘why of course sir!, is it for both balls?’, Chumf was shocked at the nonchalance at which the assistant showed.
‘well, eh, yeah both balls please’
‘ok sir, would you like them shined also?’
‘well, yeah I’ll take the full works’
‘well sir the full works involves waxing and exfoliation, it really all depends on the how sensitive your scrotum skin is, we have a chart I can show you’
* * * * * * * * * *
Harri read through the daily cruise itinerary while she dried her bush, Cruise News was an informative guide to the day's destination and also what was on all over the ship, as well as this, the travellers were kept informed by regular tannoy announcements from the Ship's cruise director, the cruise company 'Tootsnaff' tried to cater for everyone......it read like the following
Snudge Bar 1pm. Sneezing etiquette for Masonic Martians
Pool deck 2pm. Bingo for born again Beavers
Galileo's Gamesroom 4.30pm. Naked Nipple Nudging
and Crochet....Tootsnaff cannot accept responsibility for any injuries caused during this event.
Harri was not taken by any of the planned activities, Maxine, her Albino Denim Pig friend suggested getting smashed on Singapore Slings, but Harri remembered that Maxine had made a pass at her the last time they got squiffy together so Harri politley declined and agreed to meet Maxine later for Dinner in the Horse Restaurant.
Harri went to the buffet for breakfast, grapefruit followed by Morrocan Monkey Liver, she moved outside to the pool bar to enjoy her customary post-meal menthol cigarette, the pool deck was particularly busy as this way one of the ship's days at sea, Harri liked to people-watch, try and work out what the set up was with different couples or families, try and decipher what secrets they may hide from each other, if any, that thought brought her back to Chumf, the lies, the secrets and the lost bus tickets. Harri found herself tuning into a conversation at the table behind,
'I am sick of having to pamper all these fat smelly old men, they disgust me', Harri cricked her neck pretending to look beyond the two young females sat at the table, they were dressed in all white uniforms.
'But there was one guy who came for an appointment this morning, he was so charming and sooooooo good looking and he had the highest rating for scrotum sensitivity I have ever seen'
Harri's heart missed a beat, she quickly stubbed her menthol out on her tongue and went towards the girl's table,
'I am so sorry about this but I overheard your conversation, this man you speak of with the ballwash'
'Mam, I am so sorry I cannot talk about our clientele'
'Ok ok I understand but tell me this, did he have brown eyes?, dimples and the kind of smile that made you feel like you had just found an extra one in your packet of Fridge raiders when you thought they were finished'
'oh my God, how could you know that?' The beauty therapist was aghast, Harri was elated, surely only one man could fit this description.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Chumf felt refreshed after his testi-cure, he decided to investigate more of the vessel, the ship was kept fantastically clean, Indonesian horse flunkies were hard at it with brasso, bannisters cleaned four times a day, windows the same, carpets hoovered on the hour and toilets de-framped each midday.
Chumf looked around the various boutiques and souvenir shops, he then went to rest and watch the ocean go by in one of the many bar areas, a Penguinhippo played some relaxing tunes on the piano, a jazz version of the Bacharach classic ‘someone else’s vauxhall’, followed by ‘System Restore Blues’ then ‘The Ballad of Perfectly Normal Behaviour’.
The vastness of the Ocean mesmerised Chumf, it had an hypnotic quality, his trance like state was broken by one of the bar tenders dropping his tray full of drinks, some passengers helped him rescue the mess, Chumf looked…then looked again, IT COULDN’T BE!!!!, at the far side of the lobby, beyond the rumpus caused by the careless bartender, there walked a lady with the same shape, height and bush bulge as Harri , Chumf struggled past the kind hearted folks who were helping the bar tender, he was then stopped by an on board tour party being shown around the ship, he swerved around the people, hoping to catch up with Harri, he got to the stairwell and elevators, just to see one elevator closing, he pushed the buttons impatiently but the elevator moved going upwards, he raced the stairs checking on each level to see if it was stopping , the lift was moving quicker than he could climb the stairs, he reached the 9th floor , he checked the numbers above the lift door on this level to see that the lift had stopped on floor 10, he bounded up the stairs, the lift door’s were open with no one inside, he had two ways he could choose to go, he opted right, the long thing corridor with cabins on either side stretched far in front of him, it had the haunting never ending look of the corridors in ‘The Shining’, Chumf saw what he thought was Harri again in the distance, he raced towards her, ‘Harri, HARRI, HARRRIIIII’. At that moment a huge fat balloon of a man came out of his cabin, Chumf ran straight into him, bouncing backwards and falling onto his backside, in the ensuing seconds Chumf took to recover from the collision, the female figure had disappeared out of site. Chumf Snapped,
‘YOU HUGE FAT TIT, YOU UTTER FAT BLOB OF USELESSNESS, YOU HAVE JUST RUINED MY LIFE YOU BLUBBERING FLABFEST’
Chumf remained prostrate and started to cry, as the Fat Man walked away muttering, ‘charming’!
‘Problems my friend?’ came a different voice. Bryson appeared from his own cabin, reached out to help Chumf to his tired feet........
'Love is like a raccoon Chumf, sure it looks small, simple and black and white, but before you know it you are a small mammal living in North America'
Wise words poured from Bryson as he tried to comfort Chumf.
'my heart was broken once, it hurt bad and it has never properly mended so I vowed never to let anything have that grip on me again'
'but Bryson, surely The Maritime Slug has a grip on you' Chumf reasoned.
Bryson placed his index finger at his mouth, alarmed at the volume of Chumf's mention of the slug, in a hushed tone Bryson chastised him,
'Please, you must keep your voice lowered when you mention him, you never know who is listening'....
Chumf took time to look around the Medusa ballroom, the people were a typical cross section of society, young couples still doughy eyed in love with each other, both sets of genitals red raw, Mums and Dads with young kids tormenting them for more money or juice or whatever the kids required to keep them occupied, middle aged couples sitting in silence secretly plotting ways in which to gain Life insurance money from their spouse, then there were a table of seven Fruit-Lions playing Brag, typical of them. Like most cruise ships, there was an exorbitant amount of geriatrics, who despite sitting with an equally wrinkled partner, thought they were on their own. This was how Chumf saw his fellow seafarers, how he viewed the world at the moment, through cynical heart-broken eyes.
Then just as quick as chocolate sand Chumf saw her again, he saw what he thought to be Harri, she stood by the bar, back turned to Chumf, surrounded by 2 small headless men,
'Bryson, shut the f'ck up for a minute and watch my drink'
Chumf made his way over the mirror-balled darkened dance-floor, Harri had not moved, he took a breath to compose himself, reached out a hand to touch his love's shoulder, the figure turned round, it wasn't Harri, it was Kevin Keegan, not modern day KK, this was late 70's Hamburg Kevin Keegan.
'hey mate, you want an autograph?'
Chumf beared his johnson and let Keegan scrawl his signature along his gland, it had been a long day so without even acknowledging Bryson, he headed for bed.
Can Chumf and Harri overcome these cruel twists of fate?
Where is the maritime slug?
Whats the best, Fifa or Pro Evo?
All might be revealed in the concluding part of Chumf and The Maritime Slug.
Peace and Love Y'all.
Chumf and The Maritime Slug Part 1
Chumf longed for Harri, like an elephant longs for candy floss, he missed her hair, her stale squeakers, he just missed her. That morning Freda, his latest flame broached the non sex action with Chumf as he brushed his teeth,
‘you know honey we have not done much bum bum lately, are you ok?.” Chumf stammered towards a reply,
‘yeah baby I am just crazy busy at work’ .
‘well could we maybe have a little fun now’.
Again caught on the spot Chumf tripped into a reply.
‘now is not great for me honey flaps, I need to get to work, plus my balls are howling’.
Freda’s moustache looked more daunting than ever to Chumf as he caught her reflection in the bathroom mirror. Chumf continued trying to soften the blow,
‘maybe we could meet in the bedroom, say Thursday night around 11, we can take it from there’.
A disappointed Freda nodded a sad nod and left the bathroom.
Like any true man would do, Chumf broke it off with Freda in what he saw as the fairest way….For Him, he waited till she went to work, packed his stuff, left a note and stole her hoover……….
’a cruise is what you would enjoy Mr Taylor’.
Chumf was open to suggestions from the travel agent.
‘a lot of lovely places to visit and nice people to meet. Would be ideal for you, and who knows?, you might find some romance’.
Chumf did not want romance, he wanted Harri, like a tiger wants equal opportunities.
he booked the cruise and went out and bought a new wardrobe, he needed clothes but this was a nice wardrobe, after that he got around to buying some new clothes, he purchased a pair of burgundy brothel creepers, a reversible Panama hat and a concrete cravat……
The first night on the cruise Chumf sat listening to the resident band “Strum jam” in the Medusa Ballroom, he was sipping on a Malaysian Meltdown cocktail, made up of dugbutter vermouth and cod liver oil, he was joined at the bar by a Jewish cat called Bryson, Chumf knew this by his introduction, “hi, I am a cat, my name is Bryson and I am Jewish’. The conversation ranged from sport to music, politics to pole dancing, then Bryson edged closer, he lowered his voice and leaned in towards Chumf, ‘I get the feeling I can trust you my friend, there is a special reason I am on this cruise’. For a dark frightening second he thought Bryson was going to suggest some jobby action so was hugely relieved when he continued…
‘I am here to slay the maritime slug’,
Chumf was stunned, this Jewish cat was clearly crazy. The Maritime slug was an old wive’s tale in the same vein as The Loch Ness monster, the abominable snowman and intelligent women. Chumf feigned interest, Bryson continued,
‘he rises from the depths once every fifty years, it is fifty years since he was last seen in this very ocean’.
Chumf was battle weary, he of all people knew that anything was possible, but this was not the Chumf of old, the years had scarred his will and enthusiasm, this combined with his current year long suspension from the force for on-duty ‘pigeon purging’ meant for Bryson that Chumf was the wrong ear at the wrong time for this star-crossed Cat adventurer.
‘look my friend, I wish you well in your search but I am just here to give my balls a well deserved rest’
‘this I understand my friend, but beware, once he rises he will capture 2 humans, one male and one female, the Slug will take them to his lair beneath the ocean where they will be pickled in ginger ale and slowly eaten piece by piece, limbs torn off whilst the other watches.'
Chumf said nothing, just finished his drink and motioned to move away from the bar area, Bryson pawed his arm to gain his attention again,
‘please take heed my friend, the captors are only chosen if they, like you, are non-believers in the maritime slug, keep your tit-wits about you’.
Chumf nodded politely, bid him farewell and slipped off to his cabin.
* * * * * * * * *
The anger had left Harri now, she was just hurting badly, her heart ached like Toblerone, ‘how could he?. Why did he?, whats the square root of an egg plant?.’. So many questions, so few answers. Playing dominoes with Blow up dolls whilst Harri was out was one thing but playing dominoes with blow up dolls wearing Harri’s red leather jump suit whilst she was out was something entirely different. Chumf’s excuses were lame and pitiful in Harri’s eyes,
‘look my little fluffcrab, it was just a moment of weakness, you were out at your Mothers and I was lonely.’
Harri’s shrink told her that this was a ‘cry for help’ from Chumf, Harri needed a holiday.
As she sat by the pool on the eighth deck of the ship she tried to push all these thoughts from her head, this cruise was a new beginning, a fresh start, her cruising companion was her friend Maxine, she was an albino denim Pig, Maxine could not stay in the sun so spent her day inside the ship knitting boxer shorts for Barry McGuigan, meanwhile Harri read her book and took in the rays, the previous night she had been hit on by many male admirers, most polite, some handsome, some sleazy, one elderly gentleman casually sat his withered nutsack on Harri’s shoulder as she sat in the polo piano bar, although appalled at first, the elderly man explained that in his country it was to compliment a woman’s beauty if you sat your scrotum on their shoulder. Despite the advances Harri looked for no suitor, if it was not Chumf then it was no one, but Chumf was gone from her life, washed away like terrorist’s pyjamas. Unbeknown to Harri, she was in for the biggest shock of her life…..
* * * * * * * * * *
The cabin was small in space but huge in terms of Chumf’s lonely heart, the previous night he dreamt of Harri, they ran through the meadow naked, Harri had a daisy-chain on her head, the smile that melted Chumf was was wider and more beautiful than ever, the tattoo of Hitler on her bum had never seemed so clear, her bush could have done with a trim but who was counting?. In the dream Chumf’s tallywhacker had never before seemed so proud or handsome, but this was just a dream, Chumf was awoken by the Captain’s morning announcement booming through the cabin speakers,
‘Good morning Sea-farers, today we are in Naples, the toilet of civilization…….’
Chumf stretched, squeezed out a triple fart to the tune of ‘Song sung blue’ by Neil Diamond and headed for the shower……..
Will fate bring Chumf and Harri together?
What part will Bryson play in this tale of treason?
Did you hum Song Sung Blue in your head?
Will you readers ever get a second part to this story?
All will(might)be revealed in the next part of Chumf and The Maritime Slug
‘you know honey we have not done much bum bum lately, are you ok?.” Chumf stammered towards a reply,
‘yeah baby I am just crazy busy at work’ .
‘well could we maybe have a little fun now’.
Again caught on the spot Chumf tripped into a reply.
‘now is not great for me honey flaps, I need to get to work, plus my balls are howling’.
Freda’s moustache looked more daunting than ever to Chumf as he caught her reflection in the bathroom mirror. Chumf continued trying to soften the blow,
‘maybe we could meet in the bedroom, say Thursday night around 11, we can take it from there’.
A disappointed Freda nodded a sad nod and left the bathroom.
Like any true man would do, Chumf broke it off with Freda in what he saw as the fairest way….For Him, he waited till she went to work, packed his stuff, left a note and stole her hoover……….
’a cruise is what you would enjoy Mr Taylor’.
Chumf was open to suggestions from the travel agent.
‘a lot of lovely places to visit and nice people to meet. Would be ideal for you, and who knows?, you might find some romance’.
Chumf did not want romance, he wanted Harri, like a tiger wants equal opportunities.
he booked the cruise and went out and bought a new wardrobe, he needed clothes but this was a nice wardrobe, after that he got around to buying some new clothes, he purchased a pair of burgundy brothel creepers, a reversible Panama hat and a concrete cravat……
The first night on the cruise Chumf sat listening to the resident band “Strum jam” in the Medusa Ballroom, he was sipping on a Malaysian Meltdown cocktail, made up of dugbutter vermouth and cod liver oil, he was joined at the bar by a Jewish cat called Bryson, Chumf knew this by his introduction, “hi, I am a cat, my name is Bryson and I am Jewish’. The conversation ranged from sport to music, politics to pole dancing, then Bryson edged closer, he lowered his voice and leaned in towards Chumf, ‘I get the feeling I can trust you my friend, there is a special reason I am on this cruise’. For a dark frightening second he thought Bryson was going to suggest some jobby action so was hugely relieved when he continued…
‘I am here to slay the maritime slug’,
Chumf was stunned, this Jewish cat was clearly crazy. The Maritime slug was an old wive’s tale in the same vein as The Loch Ness monster, the abominable snowman and intelligent women. Chumf feigned interest, Bryson continued,
‘he rises from the depths once every fifty years, it is fifty years since he was last seen in this very ocean’.
Chumf was battle weary, he of all people knew that anything was possible, but this was not the Chumf of old, the years had scarred his will and enthusiasm, this combined with his current year long suspension from the force for on-duty ‘pigeon purging’ meant for Bryson that Chumf was the wrong ear at the wrong time for this star-crossed Cat adventurer.
‘look my friend, I wish you well in your search but I am just here to give my balls a well deserved rest’
‘this I understand my friend, but beware, once he rises he will capture 2 humans, one male and one female, the Slug will take them to his lair beneath the ocean where they will be pickled in ginger ale and slowly eaten piece by piece, limbs torn off whilst the other watches.'
Chumf said nothing, just finished his drink and motioned to move away from the bar area, Bryson pawed his arm to gain his attention again,
‘please take heed my friend, the captors are only chosen if they, like you, are non-believers in the maritime slug, keep your tit-wits about you’.
Chumf nodded politely, bid him farewell and slipped off to his cabin.
* * * * * * * * *
The anger had left Harri now, she was just hurting badly, her heart ached like Toblerone, ‘how could he?. Why did he?, whats the square root of an egg plant?.’. So many questions, so few answers. Playing dominoes with Blow up dolls whilst Harri was out was one thing but playing dominoes with blow up dolls wearing Harri’s red leather jump suit whilst she was out was something entirely different. Chumf’s excuses were lame and pitiful in Harri’s eyes,
‘look my little fluffcrab, it was just a moment of weakness, you were out at your Mothers and I was lonely.’
Harri’s shrink told her that this was a ‘cry for help’ from Chumf, Harri needed a holiday.
As she sat by the pool on the eighth deck of the ship she tried to push all these thoughts from her head, this cruise was a new beginning, a fresh start, her cruising companion was her friend Maxine, she was an albino denim Pig, Maxine could not stay in the sun so spent her day inside the ship knitting boxer shorts for Barry McGuigan, meanwhile Harri read her book and took in the rays, the previous night she had been hit on by many male admirers, most polite, some handsome, some sleazy, one elderly gentleman casually sat his withered nutsack on Harri’s shoulder as she sat in the polo piano bar, although appalled at first, the elderly man explained that in his country it was to compliment a woman’s beauty if you sat your scrotum on their shoulder. Despite the advances Harri looked for no suitor, if it was not Chumf then it was no one, but Chumf was gone from her life, washed away like terrorist’s pyjamas. Unbeknown to Harri, she was in for the biggest shock of her life…..
* * * * * * * * * *
The cabin was small in space but huge in terms of Chumf’s lonely heart, the previous night he dreamt of Harri, they ran through the meadow naked, Harri had a daisy-chain on her head, the smile that melted Chumf was was wider and more beautiful than ever, the tattoo of Hitler on her bum had never seemed so clear, her bush could have done with a trim but who was counting?. In the dream Chumf’s tallywhacker had never before seemed so proud or handsome, but this was just a dream, Chumf was awoken by the Captain’s morning announcement booming through the cabin speakers,
‘Good morning Sea-farers, today we are in Naples, the toilet of civilization…….’
Chumf stretched, squeezed out a triple fart to the tune of ‘Song sung blue’ by Neil Diamond and headed for the shower……..
Will fate bring Chumf and Harri together?
What part will Bryson play in this tale of treason?
Did you hum Song Sung Blue in your head?
Will you readers ever get a second part to this story?
All will(might)be revealed in the next part of Chumf and The Maritime Slug
Monday, 6 October 2008
Chumf - The Frontier of Mofo Part III
“It was the 3rd of September, that day Chumf will always remember, yes he will, cos that was the day, little Chumfy died”
One of Zoltan’s henchmen tickled Chumf’s chin as he sang and changed the lyrics to the famous song, they were in an empty warehouse on the upper East side of L.A. Far away from the Traffic and hubbub of the streets. Chumf was tied to a chair, a pigeon shat right on his leather jacket, the pigeon apologized but the damage was done. At this point Zoltan was nowhere to be seen.
“where’s the girl?” asked Chumf in an authoritative tone enquiring about his new partner Sophia Cicciolina
“da bitch got away Chumfo, she was slicker and quicker than you”
Chumf analysed the layout out of the building, noting the exits, scouring for a way out of this mess.
“aint no use looking for ways to get out Chumfo, your ass is grass, Zoltan gonna fuzz you up punk hahahahah” Zoltan’s wide boy leaned back laughing, enjoying the moment of power, then a squeaker came out, he looked embarrassed.
“oops sorry bout that!” holding the bum of his leather pants
At that point, the main door of the warehouse was pulled open from the outside letting a sharp ray of Californian sunshine in, almost in slow motion Chumf could see the silhouette of Zoltan bound towards him, two large Dogs on leads in either of his hands, a huge frame of a man, shoulders as wide as a river, thighs like beer kegs, nostrils like sunglasses, Zoltan was followed by a posse of medallion wearing bling exposing Mofos, one of the gang had a stereo blasting out one of Donna Summer’s toughest beats, Chumf knew he was in trouble.
“well well well, what we have here?, a dumf or a Chumf?” asked Zoltan in a sarcastic tone exaggeratingly moving his head in towards Chumf
The goons surrounding Zoltan laughed a belly laugh , high fiving each other.
“you should watch who you talk to Chumf, watch who you trust”
Chumf had not spoke to anyone about this since his meeting with Duff yesterday, no one at all, he went home the night before, never made or took a phone call, he had fallen asleep in his Y fronts on the couch as he did most nights, watching re-runs of “David and Johnny’s laugh out”
“what do you mean by that Zoltan?”
“well Chumf , The Brown Koalas can get to anyone, we know when the fuzz bring in some supposed hotshot like you to sort us out, we know they scared of us because of “The Marmalade Murders ooooooo….hahahah”
Exaggerated laughter again sounded round the Zoltan’s mob.
“no one reported these murders as “The Marmalade Murders” Zoltan, how do you know so much?”
“oh Chumf” covering his mouth sarcastically “you found us out , hahahahahaha, “
Zoltan’s face turned serious.
“Cobra, bring the marmalade”
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Sophia Cicciolina had watched from outside Afros R us, slid down in the passenger seat of Chumf’s Ford Mustang 1957 Garnajular as he was taken by Zoltan’s men, they pushed Chumf into the back of their van, she quickly jumped over and took the wheel, racing after them.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
“you see Chumf my friend, all we ever wanted was you and the rest of your people to acknowledge the struggle that we Brown Koalas and all of our brothers and sisters face day to day” , Zoltan spoke to Chumf as he menacingly stirred the jar of Robertson’s marmalade in front of his face
“everyone wants acknowledgement for their own individual struggles Zoltan, that doesn’t give you a right to kill people, end their existence , humiliate them by stuffing marmalade in their navels, this isn’t the way”
Zoltan seemed to pause in the stirring of the marmalade, almost considering Chumf’s plea and assessment of the situation.
“you talk some sense for a Cop Chumf, but now you know what you know, I have to end this little ballwashing charade, Cobra lift up his shirt!!!!, lets see that belly button hahahaha”
Henchman Cobra lifted Chumf’s lumberjack style red and black shirt, Zoltan leant forward bringing the knife thickened with marmalade towards Chumf……
“don’t you move another muscle “ came the blood boiling roar from the female voice
There stood Sophia, she had never held her Solero 47 standard issue as tight, her two shaking hands grasped the weapon as she trained it on Zoltan.
“well well well, little tinkerbell has came to Dumf’s rescue” Sneered Zoltan
“eh that’s Chumf actually “ said Chumf looking round towards Zoltan
“drop the marmalade Zoltan, you got spread on your hands this time” Sophia’s voice shaking as she tried to keep the situation in her favour
“you wont shoot me…”
BANG!!
Sophia’s gun went off , missed her initial target of Zoltan’s chest, ricocheted off the wall and shot Leroy’s brother Fat Sam in the ass, he screamed for high heavens as he fell onto Zoltan, then onto Chumf, knocking his chair over, Zoltan’s remaining crew fled at the sight of their big fat friend getting his bum shot, Sophia quickly moved to untie Chumf whilst Zoltan struggled underneath Fat Sam, Chumf looked down on Zoltan pitying him for a second but then enjoying seeing him in such a weak vulnerable state , lying under the blubber monster’s brother, Chumf pushed Fat Sam off Zoltan.
“the game is up now Zoltan, should I read you your rights or do you know the drill?”
“its too late for me now Chumf, too late” said a weakened sounding Zoltan
Zoltan opened his jacket from the hidden side of him to reveal the entire contents of the Robertson’s marmalade spread all over his body, the spread had covered him when Fat Sam fell on him….
“before you die Zoltan, you must tell me , what’s the significance of the marmalade ? and who’s the inside man?”
“Da boss loves Marmite Chumfo”
With that, Zoltan died in Chumf’s arms, he quickly slid to the ground as Chumf couldn’t grip him properly with all that spread, Chumf looked towards Sophia, stood up and walked back out into the sunshine as the Cop sirens sounded close by.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Chumf handed his badge to Dug Duff and walked out his office without waiting for any response, he chose to ignore the smell of Marmite as he just wanted out of this hell hole without having to know the full extent of the corruption, he thanked Sophia for saving his life, kissed her cheek and walked out of her life for good. Sophia had barely known Chumf for a day but this was probably the biggest day of her short young life so far, she knew so little about him but wanted to know so much more, but then again she is not alone, we all want a bit more of Chumf, want to know where he goes when the lights go out, who he banks with, where he goes to wash his balls, so many questions, so few answers. Just thank the Lord he is out there….. Somewhere……
Chumf will return Soon in: Chumf – The Wrath of Barbara
Peace and Love Y’all
One of Zoltan’s henchmen tickled Chumf’s chin as he sang and changed the lyrics to the famous song, they were in an empty warehouse on the upper East side of L.A. Far away from the Traffic and hubbub of the streets. Chumf was tied to a chair, a pigeon shat right on his leather jacket, the pigeon apologized but the damage was done. At this point Zoltan was nowhere to be seen.
“where’s the girl?” asked Chumf in an authoritative tone enquiring about his new partner Sophia Cicciolina
“da bitch got away Chumfo, she was slicker and quicker than you”
Chumf analysed the layout out of the building, noting the exits, scouring for a way out of this mess.
“aint no use looking for ways to get out Chumfo, your ass is grass, Zoltan gonna fuzz you up punk hahahahah” Zoltan’s wide boy leaned back laughing, enjoying the moment of power, then a squeaker came out, he looked embarrassed.
“oops sorry bout that!” holding the bum of his leather pants
At that point, the main door of the warehouse was pulled open from the outside letting a sharp ray of Californian sunshine in, almost in slow motion Chumf could see the silhouette of Zoltan bound towards him, two large Dogs on leads in either of his hands, a huge frame of a man, shoulders as wide as a river, thighs like beer kegs, nostrils like sunglasses, Zoltan was followed by a posse of medallion wearing bling exposing Mofos, one of the gang had a stereo blasting out one of Donna Summer’s toughest beats, Chumf knew he was in trouble.
“well well well, what we have here?, a dumf or a Chumf?” asked Zoltan in a sarcastic tone exaggeratingly moving his head in towards Chumf
The goons surrounding Zoltan laughed a belly laugh , high fiving each other.
“you should watch who you talk to Chumf, watch who you trust”
Chumf had not spoke to anyone about this since his meeting with Duff yesterday, no one at all, he went home the night before, never made or took a phone call, he had fallen asleep in his Y fronts on the couch as he did most nights, watching re-runs of “David and Johnny’s laugh out”
“what do you mean by that Zoltan?”
“well Chumf , The Brown Koalas can get to anyone, we know when the fuzz bring in some supposed hotshot like you to sort us out, we know they scared of us because of “The Marmalade Murders ooooooo….hahahah”
Exaggerated laughter again sounded round the Zoltan’s mob.
“no one reported these murders as “The Marmalade Murders” Zoltan, how do you know so much?”
“oh Chumf” covering his mouth sarcastically “you found us out , hahahahahaha, “
Zoltan’s face turned serious.
“Cobra, bring the marmalade”
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Sophia Cicciolina had watched from outside Afros R us, slid down in the passenger seat of Chumf’s Ford Mustang 1957 Garnajular as he was taken by Zoltan’s men, they pushed Chumf into the back of their van, she quickly jumped over and took the wheel, racing after them.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
“you see Chumf my friend, all we ever wanted was you and the rest of your people to acknowledge the struggle that we Brown Koalas and all of our brothers and sisters face day to day” , Zoltan spoke to Chumf as he menacingly stirred the jar of Robertson’s marmalade in front of his face
“everyone wants acknowledgement for their own individual struggles Zoltan, that doesn’t give you a right to kill people, end their existence , humiliate them by stuffing marmalade in their navels, this isn’t the way”
Zoltan seemed to pause in the stirring of the marmalade, almost considering Chumf’s plea and assessment of the situation.
“you talk some sense for a Cop Chumf, but now you know what you know, I have to end this little ballwashing charade, Cobra lift up his shirt!!!!, lets see that belly button hahahaha”
Henchman Cobra lifted Chumf’s lumberjack style red and black shirt, Zoltan leant forward bringing the knife thickened with marmalade towards Chumf……
“don’t you move another muscle “ came the blood boiling roar from the female voice
There stood Sophia, she had never held her Solero 47 standard issue as tight, her two shaking hands grasped the weapon as she trained it on Zoltan.
“well well well, little tinkerbell has came to Dumf’s rescue” Sneered Zoltan
“eh that’s Chumf actually “ said Chumf looking round towards Zoltan
“drop the marmalade Zoltan, you got spread on your hands this time” Sophia’s voice shaking as she tried to keep the situation in her favour
“you wont shoot me…”
BANG!!
Sophia’s gun went off , missed her initial target of Zoltan’s chest, ricocheted off the wall and shot Leroy’s brother Fat Sam in the ass, he screamed for high heavens as he fell onto Zoltan, then onto Chumf, knocking his chair over, Zoltan’s remaining crew fled at the sight of their big fat friend getting his bum shot, Sophia quickly moved to untie Chumf whilst Zoltan struggled underneath Fat Sam, Chumf looked down on Zoltan pitying him for a second but then enjoying seeing him in such a weak vulnerable state , lying under the blubber monster’s brother, Chumf pushed Fat Sam off Zoltan.
“the game is up now Zoltan, should I read you your rights or do you know the drill?”
“its too late for me now Chumf, too late” said a weakened sounding Zoltan
Zoltan opened his jacket from the hidden side of him to reveal the entire contents of the Robertson’s marmalade spread all over his body, the spread had covered him when Fat Sam fell on him….
“before you die Zoltan, you must tell me , what’s the significance of the marmalade ? and who’s the inside man?”
“Da boss loves Marmite Chumfo”
With that, Zoltan died in Chumf’s arms, he quickly slid to the ground as Chumf couldn’t grip him properly with all that spread, Chumf looked towards Sophia, stood up and walked back out into the sunshine as the Cop sirens sounded close by.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Chumf handed his badge to Dug Duff and walked out his office without waiting for any response, he chose to ignore the smell of Marmite as he just wanted out of this hell hole without having to know the full extent of the corruption, he thanked Sophia for saving his life, kissed her cheek and walked out of her life for good. Sophia had barely known Chumf for a day but this was probably the biggest day of her short young life so far, she knew so little about him but wanted to know so much more, but then again she is not alone, we all want a bit more of Chumf, want to know where he goes when the lights go out, who he banks with, where he goes to wash his balls, so many questions, so few answers. Just thank the Lord he is out there….. Somewhere……
Chumf will return Soon in: Chumf – The Wrath of Barbara
Peace and Love Y’all
Thursday, 13 March 2008
Chumf Goes on Holiday
Chumf and Laughing Harri went to The Budgie Islands on holiday, they arrived at their beautiful 8 star Hotel, checked in at the marble reception area, Harri faced forward as she gave the details to the pretty one eyed receptionist, Chumf looked around the lobby and reception area excited at the prospect of a break in the sunshine, no missions to accomplish, no Manbra calling him and breathing down his neck, no Evil hamsters or Brown Koalas or Bitchy witches, Chumf was free for the next quarter quaxom and nothing was going to stop Harri and Chumf having the time of their lives…. Nothing that He knew about at this point anyway.
The Hotel had everything anyone would need to relax and enjoy themselves, a Sauna , a state of the art Snudge, in house entertainment, Flunkies to fan your hot balls when the sunshine gets too much, poolside drinks service, Tattoo parlor, Taxidermist, the lot.
They arrived late the first night so went straight up to bed, they headed down to the pool early the next morning, Harri wore a smart but casual one piece mohair bikini whilst Chumf sported the tightest set of Blue speedos you are ever likely to see, his voice was particularly high as they made their way down in the lift. As they arrived out at the poolside nothing could have prepared them for what they saw, every single bather was stark naked, I mean naked, in the scud, the altogether, the full birthday suit, once the people round the pool noticed Harri and Chumf a chorus of mocking laughter sounded out pointing at these two baffoons who had paid for a quarter quaxom holiday at “La Nudey Sur” Hotel. Chumf moved quickly to get his tackle out whilst Harri was not so keen.
“I am not doing it Chumf, you have always been a bit of an exhibitionist but this isn’t my cup of Frog, I am going back to the room , you can stay here if you want, you know where I am” said Harri not wanting to ruin Chumf’s holiday but at the same time feeling very awkward at the situation.
Harri turned back as if remembering something,
“Chumf remember put factor 50 on your Johnson”
“ will do”
Just as well Harri opted out of the nudity as Chumf could only find one sunbed, it was next to a Buxom Drakanian woman who had 3 large breasts, they exchanged polite chit chat about the stunning weather, her extra breast and Chumf’s now binned Speedos.
“your wife didn’t like the idea of stripping down then?” Enquired his new friend
“it seems not, a bit shy I guess, she isn’t my wife actually, she’s my girlfriend”
“oh I see, so is this your first time on holiday together?”
“yeah” replied Chumf trying to keep his answer short in an attempt to stop the conversation that was stopping him from relaxing properly.
“what do you work as?”
What a question to ask our hero, he could say anything he wanted but he would have rather not have to say anything at all.
“I am a ….mmm a milk churner and so is my girlfriend…yourself???”
The odd breasted Woman’s eyes lit up…
“so am I, how amazing!!!”
“Shit” thought Chumf , he should have known better , Drakania was famous for its milk churning and was now second largest importer of “Dugbutter” in Rupea(The continent Chumf lived in and second largest continent on Streath(Chumf’s world).
“how interesting!!!” said Chumf lying of course
“oh yes I have churned all my life, I ….”
“sorry to stop you in full flow…..”Chumf hesitated waiting for her to tell him her name
“Brugul”
“Brugul, nice name Brugul, I have to go and check on my girl, hopefully catch up with you later”
“ I hope so as that’s a lovely Johnson” she said winking at Chumf
Chumf was not impressed, he did not acknowledge her comment or the wink of her eye, this was certainly one for the scrapbook , being accosted by a 3 breasted woman, maybe a dream for some men not for Chumf , call him old fashioned but two breasted women were fine by him thank you very much.
Chumf hurried up the stairs to their hotel room, by the time he had reached the door he had seen the funny side of his poolside encounter, opening the door he shouted..
“Harri, you would not believe what just happened to me”
Silence
“Harri?” still nothing.
Chumf looked around the hotel room, then out onto the balcony, Harri was nowhere to be seen, he sat on the bed then noticed a small piece of paper at the top of the bed, in scrawled writing the note read….
“we have your Burd, if you want to see her again then you must come to The Banana Beach hut tonight at 9, no funny stuff”
Chumf’s heart sank as low as a footballers IQ, this wasn’t about some random person he had to rescue, this was the love of his Life, his sweetheart, his ballwasher. Chumf lost his composure , the steel and non emotion he showed in his day to day heroism had vanished, he was angry and someone was going to pay for this. The perpetrators of this crime were going to see…… The Dark Side of Chumf.
Who has kidnapped Harri?
Will Chumf let his Dark Side go too far?
Is Brugul any relation to the 3 breasted woman from Total Recall?
We will find out in the next chapter of Chumf goes on Holiday
The Hotel had everything anyone would need to relax and enjoy themselves, a Sauna , a state of the art Snudge, in house entertainment, Flunkies to fan your hot balls when the sunshine gets too much, poolside drinks service, Tattoo parlor, Taxidermist, the lot.
They arrived late the first night so went straight up to bed, they headed down to the pool early the next morning, Harri wore a smart but casual one piece mohair bikini whilst Chumf sported the tightest set of Blue speedos you are ever likely to see, his voice was particularly high as they made their way down in the lift. As they arrived out at the poolside nothing could have prepared them for what they saw, every single bather was stark naked, I mean naked, in the scud, the altogether, the full birthday suit, once the people round the pool noticed Harri and Chumf a chorus of mocking laughter sounded out pointing at these two baffoons who had paid for a quarter quaxom holiday at “La Nudey Sur” Hotel. Chumf moved quickly to get his tackle out whilst Harri was not so keen.
“I am not doing it Chumf, you have always been a bit of an exhibitionist but this isn’t my cup of Frog, I am going back to the room , you can stay here if you want, you know where I am” said Harri not wanting to ruin Chumf’s holiday but at the same time feeling very awkward at the situation.
Harri turned back as if remembering something,
“Chumf remember put factor 50 on your Johnson”
“ will do”
Just as well Harri opted out of the nudity as Chumf could only find one sunbed, it was next to a Buxom Drakanian woman who had 3 large breasts, they exchanged polite chit chat about the stunning weather, her extra breast and Chumf’s now binned Speedos.
“your wife didn’t like the idea of stripping down then?” Enquired his new friend
“it seems not, a bit shy I guess, she isn’t my wife actually, she’s my girlfriend”
“oh I see, so is this your first time on holiday together?”
“yeah” replied Chumf trying to keep his answer short in an attempt to stop the conversation that was stopping him from relaxing properly.
“what do you work as?”
What a question to ask our hero, he could say anything he wanted but he would have rather not have to say anything at all.
“I am a ….mmm a milk churner and so is my girlfriend…yourself???”
The odd breasted Woman’s eyes lit up…
“so am I, how amazing!!!”
“Shit” thought Chumf , he should have known better , Drakania was famous for its milk churning and was now second largest importer of “Dugbutter” in Rupea(The continent Chumf lived in and second largest continent on Streath(Chumf’s world).
“how interesting!!!” said Chumf lying of course
“oh yes I have churned all my life, I ….”
“sorry to stop you in full flow…..”Chumf hesitated waiting for her to tell him her name
“Brugul”
“Brugul, nice name Brugul, I have to go and check on my girl, hopefully catch up with you later”
“ I hope so as that’s a lovely Johnson” she said winking at Chumf
Chumf was not impressed, he did not acknowledge her comment or the wink of her eye, this was certainly one for the scrapbook , being accosted by a 3 breasted woman, maybe a dream for some men not for Chumf , call him old fashioned but two breasted women were fine by him thank you very much.
Chumf hurried up the stairs to their hotel room, by the time he had reached the door he had seen the funny side of his poolside encounter, opening the door he shouted..
“Harri, you would not believe what just happened to me”
Silence
“Harri?” still nothing.
Chumf looked around the hotel room, then out onto the balcony, Harri was nowhere to be seen, he sat on the bed then noticed a small piece of paper at the top of the bed, in scrawled writing the note read….
“we have your Burd, if you want to see her again then you must come to The Banana Beach hut tonight at 9, no funny stuff”
Chumf’s heart sank as low as a footballers IQ, this wasn’t about some random person he had to rescue, this was the love of his Life, his sweetheart, his ballwasher. Chumf lost his composure , the steel and non emotion he showed in his day to day heroism had vanished, he was angry and someone was going to pay for this. The perpetrators of this crime were going to see…… The Dark Side of Chumf.
Who has kidnapped Harri?
Will Chumf let his Dark Side go too far?
Is Brugul any relation to the 3 breasted woman from Total Recall?
We will find out in the next chapter of Chumf goes on Holiday
Friday, 22 February 2008
Chumf - The Frontier of Mofo Part II
Chumf’s weapon of choice was the Solero 47, some claimed the most powerful handgun in the world, he stood at the shooting gallery firing round after round whilst he waited on his new partner, Chumf had recently succumbed to the popularity of a tight perm, he wore brown suede shoes, brown corduroy action slacks, roll neck black jumper and a fawn leather jacket, he looked ace.
“Detective Taylor???” asked the soft voice
Chumf turned round to see a stunning brunette before him, she had big brown eyes, lips that you wanted to kiss for a month, she had bumps in all the right places, Chumf had not felt this aroused since he saw Bugs Bunny dress up as woman to fool Elmer Fudd.
“Who are you?”
“ I’m Your new partner, I’m Detective Sophia Cicciolina”
Chumf was dumbstruck, this vision in front of him was too beautiful for the streets of this God forsaken city, How could he take her to help him tackle the evil that was The Brown Koalas?, Chumf quickly came out of his daze and walked briskly away from Cicciolina, she hurried to keep up with him.
“what do we do first?” Enquired the keen Cadet
Chumf knew he had to get tough with her, he stopped and turned to face her
“now you listen here poppet, I aint about to get my tomatoes blown off protecting some rookie who thinks being a cop is something exciting to tell her friends when they gather for their next Tupperware party!!!”
“ I don’t appreciate your tone Detective Taylor..”
“ my tone???? , you think the scum of this city is going to consider their tone before they stick the barrel of their gun up your nostril?”
By this time Chumf stood at the drivers door of his Ford Mustang 1957 Garnajular, he loved this car, his Uncle Wilbur left it to him in his will, When Chumf was a young boy he would spend time cleaning the car and sitting behind the wheel pretending to be some Champion racer or maybe the hero in a James Dean style movie, one day Chumf actually killed the milk man when he let the hand brake off by accident, his Uncle Wilbur buried the body and delivered milk to the street for the rest of his working days.
Chumf didn’t stop Cicciolina entering the car, they sat in silence for what seemed to the rookie detective like an eternity as they drove along, Chumf turned right into Electric avenue, this was the centre of Black Gangland, Chumf’s informants told him the base for The Brown Koalas was at the back of a barbers shop called “Afros-R-us”, Chumf pulled up outside the shop.
“you wait here, this could get messy”
“shouldn’t I give you assistance?”
“no cupcake, you stay here and try not to blow up the car whilst I’ m gone”
A bell rang above the door as Chumf entered “Afros-R-us”, Afro booths lined each side of the barbers, one man sat at the nearest chair on the right hand side unattended, further down the shop a man was having his Afro trimmed by a short black barber, he turned to look as Chumf made his way towards him…..
“Can I help you Honky?” asked the man with the name tag “ Quentin”
“I’m looking for a trim Quentin” replied Chumf, knowing this would be an inflammatory remark.
“we don’t take kindly to wise guys in this part of town my honky friend, if you came for trouble, you wont be kept waiting long..”
Chumf watched as his short friend disappeared through the beaded entrance to the back of the shop.
“Yo Leroy, get your ass through here, we got a Honky looking to stir up some SHEEEET”
Quentin came back to continue with his Afro, Chumf heard Leroy before he saw him, he could barely fit through the door, a huge fat bastard of a man, he wore a black two piece tracksuit, a small Eskimo family could hibernate in his trousers, he had breasts that Oprah Winfrey would be proud of and unbeknown to Leroy he had 6 or 7 french fries stuck to his chin.
“what y’all doing in here Honky?” asked Leroy in a voice that could only be described as fat.
“hey Leroy, I don’t want no trouble I simply asked your friend for a trim”
“get the fuzz outta here you piece of white sheeet”
Chumf needn’t no more invitation to act, as quick as lightning he had the burger munching blubber monster bent over one of the sinks running water straight onto his face, taking the excess fries off, Chumf produced his badge, sticking it under the nose of Leroy.
“now you listen here Fat Flaps, I should haul your whale ass downtown but I doubt we would have a cell big enough, so here is how its going to work, I am going to ask you a few non multiple choice questions”
“Fuzz you”
“oh no no no Leroy, that attitude will not do”
Chumf grabbed the small black Afro specialist Quentin and threw him to the ground whilst keeping Leroy bent over the sink, Chumf stood on the chest of the smaller man then pulled Leroy round until the chunky charmer had his legs apart standing above Quentin, Chumf quickly wheeked down Leroy’s mammoth trousers, he wasn’t wearing any underwear….(I will leave the rest to your imagination)
“now then Quentin, every time your friend here gives an answer to one of my questions that I am not entirely satisfied I push him closer to your face”
“ no Honky, please no, he hasn’t washed his balls since they shot Martin Luther in 68”
Just as this Chumf heard the bell ring, then the deep voice……
“Leroy, Quentin, get the fuzz outta here”
Chumf turned to see a huge black man surrounded by two what seemed to be bodyguards, the man told the two customers to scram and locked the door behind them, Leroy and Quentin had disappeared to the back of the shop whilst Leroy disputed whether the accidental ballwash he received in 71 counted.
“Good Afternoon Detective Taylor”
“who are you? And how do you know my name?” enquired Chumf
“I know you because you know me…”
At that the Black man opened his jacket to reveal a Huge “Z” at the end of his chain
Zoltan…..!!!
Is Zoltan the man behind the marmalade murders?
Is Quentin qualified to do Afro’s?
Who was responsible for Leroy’s accidental Ballwash?
“Detective Taylor???” asked the soft voice
Chumf turned round to see a stunning brunette before him, she had big brown eyes, lips that you wanted to kiss for a month, she had bumps in all the right places, Chumf had not felt this aroused since he saw Bugs Bunny dress up as woman to fool Elmer Fudd.
“Who are you?”
“ I’m Your new partner, I’m Detective Sophia Cicciolina”
Chumf was dumbstruck, this vision in front of him was too beautiful for the streets of this God forsaken city, How could he take her to help him tackle the evil that was The Brown Koalas?, Chumf quickly came out of his daze and walked briskly away from Cicciolina, she hurried to keep up with him.
“what do we do first?” Enquired the keen Cadet
Chumf knew he had to get tough with her, he stopped and turned to face her
“now you listen here poppet, I aint about to get my tomatoes blown off protecting some rookie who thinks being a cop is something exciting to tell her friends when they gather for their next Tupperware party!!!”
“ I don’t appreciate your tone Detective Taylor..”
“ my tone???? , you think the scum of this city is going to consider their tone before they stick the barrel of their gun up your nostril?”
By this time Chumf stood at the drivers door of his Ford Mustang 1957 Garnajular, he loved this car, his Uncle Wilbur left it to him in his will, When Chumf was a young boy he would spend time cleaning the car and sitting behind the wheel pretending to be some Champion racer or maybe the hero in a James Dean style movie, one day Chumf actually killed the milk man when he let the hand brake off by accident, his Uncle Wilbur buried the body and delivered milk to the street for the rest of his working days.
Chumf didn’t stop Cicciolina entering the car, they sat in silence for what seemed to the rookie detective like an eternity as they drove along, Chumf turned right into Electric avenue, this was the centre of Black Gangland, Chumf’s informants told him the base for The Brown Koalas was at the back of a barbers shop called “Afros-R-us”, Chumf pulled up outside the shop.
“you wait here, this could get messy”
“shouldn’t I give you assistance?”
“no cupcake, you stay here and try not to blow up the car whilst I’ m gone”
A bell rang above the door as Chumf entered “Afros-R-us”, Afro booths lined each side of the barbers, one man sat at the nearest chair on the right hand side unattended, further down the shop a man was having his Afro trimmed by a short black barber, he turned to look as Chumf made his way towards him…..
“Can I help you Honky?” asked the man with the name tag “ Quentin”
“I’m looking for a trim Quentin” replied Chumf, knowing this would be an inflammatory remark.
“we don’t take kindly to wise guys in this part of town my honky friend, if you came for trouble, you wont be kept waiting long..”
Chumf watched as his short friend disappeared through the beaded entrance to the back of the shop.
“Yo Leroy, get your ass through here, we got a Honky looking to stir up some SHEEEET”
Quentin came back to continue with his Afro, Chumf heard Leroy before he saw him, he could barely fit through the door, a huge fat bastard of a man, he wore a black two piece tracksuit, a small Eskimo family could hibernate in his trousers, he had breasts that Oprah Winfrey would be proud of and unbeknown to Leroy he had 6 or 7 french fries stuck to his chin.
“what y’all doing in here Honky?” asked Leroy in a voice that could only be described as fat.
“hey Leroy, I don’t want no trouble I simply asked your friend for a trim”
“get the fuzz outta here you piece of white sheeet”
Chumf needn’t no more invitation to act, as quick as lightning he had the burger munching blubber monster bent over one of the sinks running water straight onto his face, taking the excess fries off, Chumf produced his badge, sticking it under the nose of Leroy.
“now you listen here Fat Flaps, I should haul your whale ass downtown but I doubt we would have a cell big enough, so here is how its going to work, I am going to ask you a few non multiple choice questions”
“Fuzz you”
“oh no no no Leroy, that attitude will not do”
Chumf grabbed the small black Afro specialist Quentin and threw him to the ground whilst keeping Leroy bent over the sink, Chumf stood on the chest of the smaller man then pulled Leroy round until the chunky charmer had his legs apart standing above Quentin, Chumf quickly wheeked down Leroy’s mammoth trousers, he wasn’t wearing any underwear….(I will leave the rest to your imagination)
“now then Quentin, every time your friend here gives an answer to one of my questions that I am not entirely satisfied I push him closer to your face”
“ no Honky, please no, he hasn’t washed his balls since they shot Martin Luther in 68”
Just as this Chumf heard the bell ring, then the deep voice……
“Leroy, Quentin, get the fuzz outta here”
Chumf turned to see a huge black man surrounded by two what seemed to be bodyguards, the man told the two customers to scram and locked the door behind them, Leroy and Quentin had disappeared to the back of the shop whilst Leroy disputed whether the accidental ballwash he received in 71 counted.
“Good Afternoon Detective Taylor”
“who are you? And how do you know my name?” enquired Chumf
“I know you because you know me…”
At that the Black man opened his jacket to reveal a Huge “Z” at the end of his chain
Zoltan…..!!!
Is Zoltan the man behind the marmalade murders?
Is Quentin qualified to do Afro’s?
Who was responsible for Leroy’s accidental Ballwash?
Chumf - The Frontier of Mofo Part 1
The summer of 76 was and still is the hottest on record, downtown L.A peaked at 125 Degrees Fahrenheit, water hydrants gushed all over the city, Dogs ate ice lollies, Men gladly hosed down each others balls, School was cancelled as kids and teachers alike passed out in the intolerable heat, housewives used dead squirrels as sun visors, Old folks were having dying competitions….
It was Hell on Earth……..
In amongst all this heat, this panic, this longing for chill, this clamber for cold, there was one man who had to be cool, one man who was used to operating a forklift when some jars of tomato puree had fell off the pallet, one hero amongst all the peasants and poppers, one man to save the world…..
This man was Chumf Taylor…… “The Hero’s Hero”!!!!!!
Police Chief Dug Duff was a man to fear and on this particular morning he was worse than usual, Chief Commissioner Lovecarpet had just been on the phone roasting Duff’s ass about the horrific rise in recent crime figures, Duff had tried to justify this by blaming this on the Sweltering weather, but Lovecarpet was having none of it…..
“I don’t give two shiny shits about the weather, your officers are trained to operate whether they are sweating enough to burst a dam or whether its so cold their nuts could be mistaken for raisins, I want these figures sorted…. I aint taking no more shit from City hall… Got it?....”
“I got it..” it mattered not the retort of Duff, Lovecarpet had hung up the line….
Chumf sat outside the office of Duff, he had already told the secretary to the Police Chief of his appointment.
“he’ll be right with you Detective Taylor”
Chumf thought she was a pretty girl, and did not consider it an impairment to her beauty that she had no left ear.
The secretary’s phone buzzed… she held it up to the ear she had.
“Chief Duff will see you now…”
Chumf entered the office, Chief Duff rose to shake his hand, Duff was a stocky built black man, with a Black handle bar moustache straight out of the top drawer, he wore a dark tweed suit, white shirt, Brown tie, probably mid 40s by Chumf’s reckoning.
“I haven’t seen a tie like that since the mid 40s Chief….” Silence fell on the room, not a great start By Chumf
“you know why you are here Chumf, we got a crime wave escalating quicker than a jet propelled Penguinhippo”
Duff shuffled uneasy in his seat, pushed out a squeaker then carried on.
“Sorry Chumf, I had dug butter sandwiches this morning, playing havoc with my guts…”
“they’ll do that….” replied Chumf , he knew better than most about Dug Butter.
“I know your history Chumf, you’re a wild card, a maverick, a sausage tamer, you get results sure, but from what I’m lead to believe, those results come at the cost and embarrassment of the city”
Chumf tried to explain…..
“save it Chumf, I got no choice but to take a chance with you, we got something spiraling out of control here in the City Of Angels, or I sometimes call it…The Shitty Of Angels..” Chumf didn’t laugh, because it wasn’t funny.
“you heard of The Brown Koalas Chumf?”
“who hasn’t Chief ?, I don’t know much about them tho”
Chief Duff went onto explain that The Koalas were a black militant group formed in the early 70s, their mission statement was simple but terrifying “Black Rule, Revenge for our brothers and sisters and Pure Eucalyptus”
The Brown Koala’s leader was “Zoltan”, a black African man who came to America in the early 60s, Zoltan real name “Terry Smith” was according to Chief Duff, responsible for the murders of 25 white congress men, in the Chief’s opinion Zoltan would never have been directly involved but more than likely organized the murders from afar and gave the order.
“whatever Koala carried this out has left these Mofos in one helluva state every time, each with their left shoe stuffed into their mouth, the Word “Grapefruit” written in black marker on their backs and last but not least … and I hope you are ready for this Chumf…”
“Go for it Chief, I can handle it”
“The Murderer fills their belly buttons with Marmalade…..”
Chumf covered his mouth with his hand to stop being sick…….
“it gets worse, the marmalade is out of date”
“sick bastard”
“the problem is Chumf , this guy is only following orders, The Brown Koalas are obviously all sickos and that’s why we need you….”
Chumf looked beyond Chief Duff out of his window looking down on the mean streets of LA, he thought to himself, how did I end up here?, what was wrong with a simple life bringing up a family?, What was the significance of the marmalade? ..
Chief Duff told Chumf to take the rest of the day to find out what he can about Zoltan and The Brown Koalas, tomorrow he would meet his new partner
“ a partner ??” asked an astonished Chumf
“ yes a partner Chumf, we think that the added responsibility of having someone beside you on the street may stop you bringing this department to its knees like you did In New York…ya crazy bastard!”
Chumf forced a smile…..
“now get the hell outta here” Barked the Chief as he put his moustache back into the top drawer.
Can Chumf stop the Brown Koala’s Reign of terror?
Will his new partner cut the mustard? Or Marmalade in fact?
All will be revealed in the part of Chumf - The Frontier of Mofo
It was Hell on Earth……..
In amongst all this heat, this panic, this longing for chill, this clamber for cold, there was one man who had to be cool, one man who was used to operating a forklift when some jars of tomato puree had fell off the pallet, one hero amongst all the peasants and poppers, one man to save the world…..
This man was Chumf Taylor…… “The Hero’s Hero”!!!!!!
Police Chief Dug Duff was a man to fear and on this particular morning he was worse than usual, Chief Commissioner Lovecarpet had just been on the phone roasting Duff’s ass about the horrific rise in recent crime figures, Duff had tried to justify this by blaming this on the Sweltering weather, but Lovecarpet was having none of it…..
“I don’t give two shiny shits about the weather, your officers are trained to operate whether they are sweating enough to burst a dam or whether its so cold their nuts could be mistaken for raisins, I want these figures sorted…. I aint taking no more shit from City hall… Got it?....”
“I got it..” it mattered not the retort of Duff, Lovecarpet had hung up the line….
Chumf sat outside the office of Duff, he had already told the secretary to the Police Chief of his appointment.
“he’ll be right with you Detective Taylor”
Chumf thought she was a pretty girl, and did not consider it an impairment to her beauty that she had no left ear.
The secretary’s phone buzzed… she held it up to the ear she had.
“Chief Duff will see you now…”
Chumf entered the office, Chief Duff rose to shake his hand, Duff was a stocky built black man, with a Black handle bar moustache straight out of the top drawer, he wore a dark tweed suit, white shirt, Brown tie, probably mid 40s by Chumf’s reckoning.
“I haven’t seen a tie like that since the mid 40s Chief….” Silence fell on the room, not a great start By Chumf
“you know why you are here Chumf, we got a crime wave escalating quicker than a jet propelled Penguinhippo”
Duff shuffled uneasy in his seat, pushed out a squeaker then carried on.
“Sorry Chumf, I had dug butter sandwiches this morning, playing havoc with my guts…”
“they’ll do that….” replied Chumf , he knew better than most about Dug Butter.
“I know your history Chumf, you’re a wild card, a maverick, a sausage tamer, you get results sure, but from what I’m lead to believe, those results come at the cost and embarrassment of the city”
Chumf tried to explain…..
“save it Chumf, I got no choice but to take a chance with you, we got something spiraling out of control here in the City Of Angels, or I sometimes call it…The Shitty Of Angels..” Chumf didn’t laugh, because it wasn’t funny.
“you heard of The Brown Koalas Chumf?”
“who hasn’t Chief ?, I don’t know much about them tho”
Chief Duff went onto explain that The Koalas were a black militant group formed in the early 70s, their mission statement was simple but terrifying “Black Rule, Revenge for our brothers and sisters and Pure Eucalyptus”
The Brown Koala’s leader was “Zoltan”, a black African man who came to America in the early 60s, Zoltan real name “Terry Smith” was according to Chief Duff, responsible for the murders of 25 white congress men, in the Chief’s opinion Zoltan would never have been directly involved but more than likely organized the murders from afar and gave the order.
“whatever Koala carried this out has left these Mofos in one helluva state every time, each with their left shoe stuffed into their mouth, the Word “Grapefruit” written in black marker on their backs and last but not least … and I hope you are ready for this Chumf…”
“Go for it Chief, I can handle it”
“The Murderer fills their belly buttons with Marmalade…..”
Chumf covered his mouth with his hand to stop being sick…….
“it gets worse, the marmalade is out of date”
“sick bastard”
“the problem is Chumf , this guy is only following orders, The Brown Koalas are obviously all sickos and that’s why we need you….”
Chumf looked beyond Chief Duff out of his window looking down on the mean streets of LA, he thought to himself, how did I end up here?, what was wrong with a simple life bringing up a family?, What was the significance of the marmalade? ..
Chief Duff told Chumf to take the rest of the day to find out what he can about Zoltan and The Brown Koalas, tomorrow he would meet his new partner
“ a partner ??” asked an astonished Chumf
“ yes a partner Chumf, we think that the added responsibility of having someone beside you on the street may stop you bringing this department to its knees like you did In New York…ya crazy bastard!”
Chumf forced a smile…..
“now get the hell outta here” Barked the Chief as he put his moustache back into the top drawer.
Can Chumf stop the Brown Koala’s Reign of terror?
Will his new partner cut the mustard? Or Marmalade in fact?
All will be revealed in the part of Chumf - The Frontier of Mofo
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)