“It was the 3rd of September, that day Chumf will always remember, yes he will, cos that was the day, little Chumfy died”
One of Zoltan’s henchmen tickled Chumf’s chin as he sang and changed the lyrics to the famous song, they were in an empty warehouse on the upper East side of L.A. Far away from the Traffic and hubbub of the streets. Chumf was tied to a chair, a pigeon shat right on his leather jacket, the pigeon apologized but the damage was done. At this point Zoltan was nowhere to be seen.
“where’s the girl?” asked Chumf in an authoritative tone enquiring about his new partner Sophia Cicciolina
“da bitch got away Chumfo, she was slicker and quicker than you”
Chumf analysed the layout out of the building, noting the exits, scouring for a way out of this mess.
“aint no use looking for ways to get out Chumfo, your ass is grass, Zoltan gonna fuzz you up punk hahahahah” Zoltan’s wide boy leaned back laughing, enjoying the moment of power, then a squeaker came out, he looked embarrassed.
“oops sorry bout that!” holding the bum of his leather pants
At that point, the main door of the warehouse was pulled open from the outside letting a sharp ray of Californian sunshine in, almost in slow motion Chumf could see the silhouette of Zoltan bound towards him, two large Dogs on leads in either of his hands, a huge frame of a man, shoulders as wide as a river, thighs like beer kegs, nostrils like sunglasses, Zoltan was followed by a posse of medallion wearing bling exposing Mofos, one of the gang had a stereo blasting out one of Donna Summer’s toughest beats, Chumf knew he was in trouble.
“well well well, what we have here?, a dumf or a Chumf?” asked Zoltan in a sarcastic tone exaggeratingly moving his head in towards Chumf
The goons surrounding Zoltan laughed a belly laugh , high fiving each other.
“you should watch who you talk to Chumf, watch who you trust”
Chumf had not spoke to anyone about this since his meeting with Duff yesterday, no one at all, he went home the night before, never made or took a phone call, he had fallen asleep in his Y fronts on the couch as he did most nights, watching re-runs of “David and Johnny’s laugh out”
“what do you mean by that Zoltan?”
“well Chumf , The Brown Koalas can get to anyone, we know when the fuzz bring in some supposed hotshot like you to sort us out, we know they scared of us because of “The Marmalade Murders ooooooo….hahahah”
Exaggerated laughter again sounded round the Zoltan’s mob.
“no one reported these murders as “The Marmalade Murders” Zoltan, how do you know so much?”
“oh Chumf” covering his mouth sarcastically “you found us out , hahahahahaha, “
Zoltan’s face turned serious.
“Cobra, bring the marmalade”
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Sophia Cicciolina had watched from outside Afros R us, slid down in the passenger seat of Chumf’s Ford Mustang 1957 Garnajular as he was taken by Zoltan’s men, they pushed Chumf into the back of their van, she quickly jumped over and took the wheel, racing after them.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
“you see Chumf my friend, all we ever wanted was you and the rest of your people to acknowledge the struggle that we Brown Koalas and all of our brothers and sisters face day to day” , Zoltan spoke to Chumf as he menacingly stirred the jar of Robertson’s marmalade in front of his face
“everyone wants acknowledgement for their own individual struggles Zoltan, that doesn’t give you a right to kill people, end their existence , humiliate them by stuffing marmalade in their navels, this isn’t the way”
Zoltan seemed to pause in the stirring of the marmalade, almost considering Chumf’s plea and assessment of the situation.
“you talk some sense for a Cop Chumf, but now you know what you know, I have to end this little ballwashing charade, Cobra lift up his shirt!!!!, lets see that belly button hahahaha”
Henchman Cobra lifted Chumf’s lumberjack style red and black shirt, Zoltan leant forward bringing the knife thickened with marmalade towards Chumf……
“don’t you move another muscle “ came the blood boiling roar from the female voice
There stood Sophia, she had never held her Solero 47 standard issue as tight, her two shaking hands grasped the weapon as she trained it on Zoltan.
“well well well, little tinkerbell has came to Dumf’s rescue” Sneered Zoltan
“eh that’s Chumf actually “ said Chumf looking round towards Zoltan
“drop the marmalade Zoltan, you got spread on your hands this time” Sophia’s voice shaking as she tried to keep the situation in her favour
“you wont shoot me…”
BANG!!
Sophia’s gun went off , missed her initial target of Zoltan’s chest, ricocheted off the wall and shot Leroy’s brother Fat Sam in the ass, he screamed for high heavens as he fell onto Zoltan, then onto Chumf, knocking his chair over, Zoltan’s remaining crew fled at the sight of their big fat friend getting his bum shot, Sophia quickly moved to untie Chumf whilst Zoltan struggled underneath Fat Sam, Chumf looked down on Zoltan pitying him for a second but then enjoying seeing him in such a weak vulnerable state , lying under the blubber monster’s brother, Chumf pushed Fat Sam off Zoltan.
“the game is up now Zoltan, should I read you your rights or do you know the drill?”
“its too late for me now Chumf, too late” said a weakened sounding Zoltan
Zoltan opened his jacket from the hidden side of him to reveal the entire contents of the Robertson’s marmalade spread all over his body, the spread had covered him when Fat Sam fell on him….
“before you die Zoltan, you must tell me , what’s the significance of the marmalade ? and who’s the inside man?”
“Da boss loves Marmite Chumfo”
With that, Zoltan died in Chumf’s arms, he quickly slid to the ground as Chumf couldn’t grip him properly with all that spread, Chumf looked towards Sophia, stood up and walked back out into the sunshine as the Cop sirens sounded close by.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Chumf handed his badge to Dug Duff and walked out his office without waiting for any response, he chose to ignore the smell of Marmite as he just wanted out of this hell hole without having to know the full extent of the corruption, he thanked Sophia for saving his life, kissed her cheek and walked out of her life for good. Sophia had barely known Chumf for a day but this was probably the biggest day of her short young life so far, she knew so little about him but wanted to know so much more, but then again she is not alone, we all want a bit more of Chumf, want to know where he goes when the lights go out, who he banks with, where he goes to wash his balls, so many questions, so few answers. Just thank the Lord he is out there….. Somewhere……
Chumf will return Soon in: Chumf – The Wrath of Barbara
Peace and Love Y’all
Monday, 6 October 2008
Thursday, 13 March 2008
Chumf Goes on Holiday
Chumf and Laughing Harri went to The Budgie Islands on holiday, they arrived at their beautiful 8 star Hotel, checked in at the marble reception area, Harri faced forward as she gave the details to the pretty one eyed receptionist, Chumf looked around the lobby and reception area excited at the prospect of a break in the sunshine, no missions to accomplish, no Manbra calling him and breathing down his neck, no Evil hamsters or Brown Koalas or Bitchy witches, Chumf was free for the next quarter quaxom and nothing was going to stop Harri and Chumf having the time of their lives…. Nothing that He knew about at this point anyway.
The Hotel had everything anyone would need to relax and enjoy themselves, a Sauna , a state of the art Snudge, in house entertainment, Flunkies to fan your hot balls when the sunshine gets too much, poolside drinks service, Tattoo parlor, Taxidermist, the lot.
They arrived late the first night so went straight up to bed, they headed down to the pool early the next morning, Harri wore a smart but casual one piece mohair bikini whilst Chumf sported the tightest set of Blue speedos you are ever likely to see, his voice was particularly high as they made their way down in the lift. As they arrived out at the poolside nothing could have prepared them for what they saw, every single bather was stark naked, I mean naked, in the scud, the altogether, the full birthday suit, once the people round the pool noticed Harri and Chumf a chorus of mocking laughter sounded out pointing at these two baffoons who had paid for a quarter quaxom holiday at “La Nudey Sur” Hotel. Chumf moved quickly to get his tackle out whilst Harri was not so keen.
“I am not doing it Chumf, you have always been a bit of an exhibitionist but this isn’t my cup of Frog, I am going back to the room , you can stay here if you want, you know where I am” said Harri not wanting to ruin Chumf’s holiday but at the same time feeling very awkward at the situation.
Harri turned back as if remembering something,
“Chumf remember put factor 50 on your Johnson”
“ will do”
Just as well Harri opted out of the nudity as Chumf could only find one sunbed, it was next to a Buxom Drakanian woman who had 3 large breasts, they exchanged polite chit chat about the stunning weather, her extra breast and Chumf’s now binned Speedos.
“your wife didn’t like the idea of stripping down then?” Enquired his new friend
“it seems not, a bit shy I guess, she isn’t my wife actually, she’s my girlfriend”
“oh I see, so is this your first time on holiday together?”
“yeah” replied Chumf trying to keep his answer short in an attempt to stop the conversation that was stopping him from relaxing properly.
“what do you work as?”
What a question to ask our hero, he could say anything he wanted but he would have rather not have to say anything at all.
“I am a ….mmm a milk churner and so is my girlfriend…yourself???”
The odd breasted Woman’s eyes lit up…
“so am I, how amazing!!!”
“Shit” thought Chumf , he should have known better , Drakania was famous for its milk churning and was now second largest importer of “Dugbutter” in Rupea(The continent Chumf lived in and second largest continent on Streath(Chumf’s world).
“how interesting!!!” said Chumf lying of course
“oh yes I have churned all my life, I ….”
“sorry to stop you in full flow…..”Chumf hesitated waiting for her to tell him her name
“Brugul”
“Brugul, nice name Brugul, I have to go and check on my girl, hopefully catch up with you later”
“ I hope so as that’s a lovely Johnson” she said winking at Chumf
Chumf was not impressed, he did not acknowledge her comment or the wink of her eye, this was certainly one for the scrapbook , being accosted by a 3 breasted woman, maybe a dream for some men not for Chumf , call him old fashioned but two breasted women were fine by him thank you very much.
Chumf hurried up the stairs to their hotel room, by the time he had reached the door he had seen the funny side of his poolside encounter, opening the door he shouted..
“Harri, you would not believe what just happened to me”
Silence
“Harri?” still nothing.
Chumf looked around the hotel room, then out onto the balcony, Harri was nowhere to be seen, he sat on the bed then noticed a small piece of paper at the top of the bed, in scrawled writing the note read….
“we have your Burd, if you want to see her again then you must come to The Banana Beach hut tonight at 9, no funny stuff”
Chumf’s heart sank as low as a footballers IQ, this wasn’t about some random person he had to rescue, this was the love of his Life, his sweetheart, his ballwasher. Chumf lost his composure , the steel and non emotion he showed in his day to day heroism had vanished, he was angry and someone was going to pay for this. The perpetrators of this crime were going to see…… The Dark Side of Chumf.
Who has kidnapped Harri?
Will Chumf let his Dark Side go too far?
Is Brugul any relation to the 3 breasted woman from Total Recall?
We will find out in the next chapter of Chumf goes on Holiday
The Hotel had everything anyone would need to relax and enjoy themselves, a Sauna , a state of the art Snudge, in house entertainment, Flunkies to fan your hot balls when the sunshine gets too much, poolside drinks service, Tattoo parlor, Taxidermist, the lot.
They arrived late the first night so went straight up to bed, they headed down to the pool early the next morning, Harri wore a smart but casual one piece mohair bikini whilst Chumf sported the tightest set of Blue speedos you are ever likely to see, his voice was particularly high as they made their way down in the lift. As they arrived out at the poolside nothing could have prepared them for what they saw, every single bather was stark naked, I mean naked, in the scud, the altogether, the full birthday suit, once the people round the pool noticed Harri and Chumf a chorus of mocking laughter sounded out pointing at these two baffoons who had paid for a quarter quaxom holiday at “La Nudey Sur” Hotel. Chumf moved quickly to get his tackle out whilst Harri was not so keen.
“I am not doing it Chumf, you have always been a bit of an exhibitionist but this isn’t my cup of Frog, I am going back to the room , you can stay here if you want, you know where I am” said Harri not wanting to ruin Chumf’s holiday but at the same time feeling very awkward at the situation.
Harri turned back as if remembering something,
“Chumf remember put factor 50 on your Johnson”
“ will do”
Just as well Harri opted out of the nudity as Chumf could only find one sunbed, it was next to a Buxom Drakanian woman who had 3 large breasts, they exchanged polite chit chat about the stunning weather, her extra breast and Chumf’s now binned Speedos.
“your wife didn’t like the idea of stripping down then?” Enquired his new friend
“it seems not, a bit shy I guess, she isn’t my wife actually, she’s my girlfriend”
“oh I see, so is this your first time on holiday together?”
“yeah” replied Chumf trying to keep his answer short in an attempt to stop the conversation that was stopping him from relaxing properly.
“what do you work as?”
What a question to ask our hero, he could say anything he wanted but he would have rather not have to say anything at all.
“I am a ….mmm a milk churner and so is my girlfriend…yourself???”
The odd breasted Woman’s eyes lit up…
“so am I, how amazing!!!”
“Shit” thought Chumf , he should have known better , Drakania was famous for its milk churning and was now second largest importer of “Dugbutter” in Rupea(The continent Chumf lived in and second largest continent on Streath(Chumf’s world).
“how interesting!!!” said Chumf lying of course
“oh yes I have churned all my life, I ….”
“sorry to stop you in full flow…..”Chumf hesitated waiting for her to tell him her name
“Brugul”
“Brugul, nice name Brugul, I have to go and check on my girl, hopefully catch up with you later”
“ I hope so as that’s a lovely Johnson” she said winking at Chumf
Chumf was not impressed, he did not acknowledge her comment or the wink of her eye, this was certainly one for the scrapbook , being accosted by a 3 breasted woman, maybe a dream for some men not for Chumf , call him old fashioned but two breasted women were fine by him thank you very much.
Chumf hurried up the stairs to their hotel room, by the time he had reached the door he had seen the funny side of his poolside encounter, opening the door he shouted..
“Harri, you would not believe what just happened to me”
Silence
“Harri?” still nothing.
Chumf looked around the hotel room, then out onto the balcony, Harri was nowhere to be seen, he sat on the bed then noticed a small piece of paper at the top of the bed, in scrawled writing the note read….
“we have your Burd, if you want to see her again then you must come to The Banana Beach hut tonight at 9, no funny stuff”
Chumf’s heart sank as low as a footballers IQ, this wasn’t about some random person he had to rescue, this was the love of his Life, his sweetheart, his ballwasher. Chumf lost his composure , the steel and non emotion he showed in his day to day heroism had vanished, he was angry and someone was going to pay for this. The perpetrators of this crime were going to see…… The Dark Side of Chumf.
Who has kidnapped Harri?
Will Chumf let his Dark Side go too far?
Is Brugul any relation to the 3 breasted woman from Total Recall?
We will find out in the next chapter of Chumf goes on Holiday
Friday, 22 February 2008
Chumf - The Frontier of Mofo Part II
Chumf’s weapon of choice was the Solero 47, some claimed the most powerful handgun in the world, he stood at the shooting gallery firing round after round whilst he waited on his new partner, Chumf had recently succumbed to the popularity of a tight perm, he wore brown suede shoes, brown corduroy action slacks, roll neck black jumper and a fawn leather jacket, he looked ace.
“Detective Taylor???” asked the soft voice
Chumf turned round to see a stunning brunette before him, she had big brown eyes, lips that you wanted to kiss for a month, she had bumps in all the right places, Chumf had not felt this aroused since he saw Bugs Bunny dress up as woman to fool Elmer Fudd.
“Who are you?”
“ I’m Your new partner, I’m Detective Sophia Cicciolina”
Chumf was dumbstruck, this vision in front of him was too beautiful for the streets of this God forsaken city, How could he take her to help him tackle the evil that was The Brown Koalas?, Chumf quickly came out of his daze and walked briskly away from Cicciolina, she hurried to keep up with him.
“what do we do first?” Enquired the keen Cadet
Chumf knew he had to get tough with her, he stopped and turned to face her
“now you listen here poppet, I aint about to get my tomatoes blown off protecting some rookie who thinks being a cop is something exciting to tell her friends when they gather for their next Tupperware party!!!”
“ I don’t appreciate your tone Detective Taylor..”
“ my tone???? , you think the scum of this city is going to consider their tone before they stick the barrel of their gun up your nostril?”
By this time Chumf stood at the drivers door of his Ford Mustang 1957 Garnajular, he loved this car, his Uncle Wilbur left it to him in his will, When Chumf was a young boy he would spend time cleaning the car and sitting behind the wheel pretending to be some Champion racer or maybe the hero in a James Dean style movie, one day Chumf actually killed the milk man when he let the hand brake off by accident, his Uncle Wilbur buried the body and delivered milk to the street for the rest of his working days.
Chumf didn’t stop Cicciolina entering the car, they sat in silence for what seemed to the rookie detective like an eternity as they drove along, Chumf turned right into Electric avenue, this was the centre of Black Gangland, Chumf’s informants told him the base for The Brown Koalas was at the back of a barbers shop called “Afros-R-us”, Chumf pulled up outside the shop.
“you wait here, this could get messy”
“shouldn’t I give you assistance?”
“no cupcake, you stay here and try not to blow up the car whilst I’ m gone”
A bell rang above the door as Chumf entered “Afros-R-us”, Afro booths lined each side of the barbers, one man sat at the nearest chair on the right hand side unattended, further down the shop a man was having his Afro trimmed by a short black barber, he turned to look as Chumf made his way towards him…..
“Can I help you Honky?” asked the man with the name tag “ Quentin”
“I’m looking for a trim Quentin” replied Chumf, knowing this would be an inflammatory remark.
“we don’t take kindly to wise guys in this part of town my honky friend, if you came for trouble, you wont be kept waiting long..”
Chumf watched as his short friend disappeared through the beaded entrance to the back of the shop.
“Yo Leroy, get your ass through here, we got a Honky looking to stir up some SHEEEET”
Quentin came back to continue with his Afro, Chumf heard Leroy before he saw him, he could barely fit through the door, a huge fat bastard of a man, he wore a black two piece tracksuit, a small Eskimo family could hibernate in his trousers, he had breasts that Oprah Winfrey would be proud of and unbeknown to Leroy he had 6 or 7 french fries stuck to his chin.
“what y’all doing in here Honky?” asked Leroy in a voice that could only be described as fat.
“hey Leroy, I don’t want no trouble I simply asked your friend for a trim”
“get the fuzz outta here you piece of white sheeet”
Chumf needn’t no more invitation to act, as quick as lightning he had the burger munching blubber monster bent over one of the sinks running water straight onto his face, taking the excess fries off, Chumf produced his badge, sticking it under the nose of Leroy.
“now you listen here Fat Flaps, I should haul your whale ass downtown but I doubt we would have a cell big enough, so here is how its going to work, I am going to ask you a few non multiple choice questions”
“Fuzz you”
“oh no no no Leroy, that attitude will not do”
Chumf grabbed the small black Afro specialist Quentin and threw him to the ground whilst keeping Leroy bent over the sink, Chumf stood on the chest of the smaller man then pulled Leroy round until the chunky charmer had his legs apart standing above Quentin, Chumf quickly wheeked down Leroy’s mammoth trousers, he wasn’t wearing any underwear….(I will leave the rest to your imagination)
“now then Quentin, every time your friend here gives an answer to one of my questions that I am not entirely satisfied I push him closer to your face”
“ no Honky, please no, he hasn’t washed his balls since they shot Martin Luther in 68”
Just as this Chumf heard the bell ring, then the deep voice……
“Leroy, Quentin, get the fuzz outta here”
Chumf turned to see a huge black man surrounded by two what seemed to be bodyguards, the man told the two customers to scram and locked the door behind them, Leroy and Quentin had disappeared to the back of the shop whilst Leroy disputed whether the accidental ballwash he received in 71 counted.
“Good Afternoon Detective Taylor”
“who are you? And how do you know my name?” enquired Chumf
“I know you because you know me…”
At that the Black man opened his jacket to reveal a Huge “Z” at the end of his chain
Zoltan…..!!!
Is Zoltan the man behind the marmalade murders?
Is Quentin qualified to do Afro’s?
Who was responsible for Leroy’s accidental Ballwash?
“Detective Taylor???” asked the soft voice
Chumf turned round to see a stunning brunette before him, she had big brown eyes, lips that you wanted to kiss for a month, she had bumps in all the right places, Chumf had not felt this aroused since he saw Bugs Bunny dress up as woman to fool Elmer Fudd.
“Who are you?”
“ I’m Your new partner, I’m Detective Sophia Cicciolina”
Chumf was dumbstruck, this vision in front of him was too beautiful for the streets of this God forsaken city, How could he take her to help him tackle the evil that was The Brown Koalas?, Chumf quickly came out of his daze and walked briskly away from Cicciolina, she hurried to keep up with him.
“what do we do first?” Enquired the keen Cadet
Chumf knew he had to get tough with her, he stopped and turned to face her
“now you listen here poppet, I aint about to get my tomatoes blown off protecting some rookie who thinks being a cop is something exciting to tell her friends when they gather for their next Tupperware party!!!”
“ I don’t appreciate your tone Detective Taylor..”
“ my tone???? , you think the scum of this city is going to consider their tone before they stick the barrel of their gun up your nostril?”
By this time Chumf stood at the drivers door of his Ford Mustang 1957 Garnajular, he loved this car, his Uncle Wilbur left it to him in his will, When Chumf was a young boy he would spend time cleaning the car and sitting behind the wheel pretending to be some Champion racer or maybe the hero in a James Dean style movie, one day Chumf actually killed the milk man when he let the hand brake off by accident, his Uncle Wilbur buried the body and delivered milk to the street for the rest of his working days.
Chumf didn’t stop Cicciolina entering the car, they sat in silence for what seemed to the rookie detective like an eternity as they drove along, Chumf turned right into Electric avenue, this was the centre of Black Gangland, Chumf’s informants told him the base for The Brown Koalas was at the back of a barbers shop called “Afros-R-us”, Chumf pulled up outside the shop.
“you wait here, this could get messy”
“shouldn’t I give you assistance?”
“no cupcake, you stay here and try not to blow up the car whilst I’ m gone”
A bell rang above the door as Chumf entered “Afros-R-us”, Afro booths lined each side of the barbers, one man sat at the nearest chair on the right hand side unattended, further down the shop a man was having his Afro trimmed by a short black barber, he turned to look as Chumf made his way towards him…..
“Can I help you Honky?” asked the man with the name tag “ Quentin”
“I’m looking for a trim Quentin” replied Chumf, knowing this would be an inflammatory remark.
“we don’t take kindly to wise guys in this part of town my honky friend, if you came for trouble, you wont be kept waiting long..”
Chumf watched as his short friend disappeared through the beaded entrance to the back of the shop.
“Yo Leroy, get your ass through here, we got a Honky looking to stir up some SHEEEET”
Quentin came back to continue with his Afro, Chumf heard Leroy before he saw him, he could barely fit through the door, a huge fat bastard of a man, he wore a black two piece tracksuit, a small Eskimo family could hibernate in his trousers, he had breasts that Oprah Winfrey would be proud of and unbeknown to Leroy he had 6 or 7 french fries stuck to his chin.
“what y’all doing in here Honky?” asked Leroy in a voice that could only be described as fat.
“hey Leroy, I don’t want no trouble I simply asked your friend for a trim”
“get the fuzz outta here you piece of white sheeet”
Chumf needn’t no more invitation to act, as quick as lightning he had the burger munching blubber monster bent over one of the sinks running water straight onto his face, taking the excess fries off, Chumf produced his badge, sticking it under the nose of Leroy.
“now you listen here Fat Flaps, I should haul your whale ass downtown but I doubt we would have a cell big enough, so here is how its going to work, I am going to ask you a few non multiple choice questions”
“Fuzz you”
“oh no no no Leroy, that attitude will not do”
Chumf grabbed the small black Afro specialist Quentin and threw him to the ground whilst keeping Leroy bent over the sink, Chumf stood on the chest of the smaller man then pulled Leroy round until the chunky charmer had his legs apart standing above Quentin, Chumf quickly wheeked down Leroy’s mammoth trousers, he wasn’t wearing any underwear….(I will leave the rest to your imagination)
“now then Quentin, every time your friend here gives an answer to one of my questions that I am not entirely satisfied I push him closer to your face”
“ no Honky, please no, he hasn’t washed his balls since they shot Martin Luther in 68”
Just as this Chumf heard the bell ring, then the deep voice……
“Leroy, Quentin, get the fuzz outta here”
Chumf turned to see a huge black man surrounded by two what seemed to be bodyguards, the man told the two customers to scram and locked the door behind them, Leroy and Quentin had disappeared to the back of the shop whilst Leroy disputed whether the accidental ballwash he received in 71 counted.
“Good Afternoon Detective Taylor”
“who are you? And how do you know my name?” enquired Chumf
“I know you because you know me…”
At that the Black man opened his jacket to reveal a Huge “Z” at the end of his chain
Zoltan…..!!!
Is Zoltan the man behind the marmalade murders?
Is Quentin qualified to do Afro’s?
Who was responsible for Leroy’s accidental Ballwash?
Chumf - The Frontier of Mofo Part 1
The summer of 76 was and still is the hottest on record, downtown L.A peaked at 125 Degrees Fahrenheit, water hydrants gushed all over the city, Dogs ate ice lollies, Men gladly hosed down each others balls, School was cancelled as kids and teachers alike passed out in the intolerable heat, housewives used dead squirrels as sun visors, Old folks were having dying competitions….
It was Hell on Earth……..
In amongst all this heat, this panic, this longing for chill, this clamber for cold, there was one man who had to be cool, one man who was used to operating a forklift when some jars of tomato puree had fell off the pallet, one hero amongst all the peasants and poppers, one man to save the world…..
This man was Chumf Taylor…… “The Hero’s Hero”!!!!!!
Police Chief Dug Duff was a man to fear and on this particular morning he was worse than usual, Chief Commissioner Lovecarpet had just been on the phone roasting Duff’s ass about the horrific rise in recent crime figures, Duff had tried to justify this by blaming this on the Sweltering weather, but Lovecarpet was having none of it…..
“I don’t give two shiny shits about the weather, your officers are trained to operate whether they are sweating enough to burst a dam or whether its so cold their nuts could be mistaken for raisins, I want these figures sorted…. I aint taking no more shit from City hall… Got it?....”
“I got it..” it mattered not the retort of Duff, Lovecarpet had hung up the line….
Chumf sat outside the office of Duff, he had already told the secretary to the Police Chief of his appointment.
“he’ll be right with you Detective Taylor”
Chumf thought she was a pretty girl, and did not consider it an impairment to her beauty that she had no left ear.
The secretary’s phone buzzed… she held it up to the ear she had.
“Chief Duff will see you now…”
Chumf entered the office, Chief Duff rose to shake his hand, Duff was a stocky built black man, with a Black handle bar moustache straight out of the top drawer, he wore a dark tweed suit, white shirt, Brown tie, probably mid 40s by Chumf’s reckoning.
“I haven’t seen a tie like that since the mid 40s Chief….” Silence fell on the room, not a great start By Chumf
“you know why you are here Chumf, we got a crime wave escalating quicker than a jet propelled Penguinhippo”
Duff shuffled uneasy in his seat, pushed out a squeaker then carried on.
“Sorry Chumf, I had dug butter sandwiches this morning, playing havoc with my guts…”
“they’ll do that….” replied Chumf , he knew better than most about Dug Butter.
“I know your history Chumf, you’re a wild card, a maverick, a sausage tamer, you get results sure, but from what I’m lead to believe, those results come at the cost and embarrassment of the city”
Chumf tried to explain…..
“save it Chumf, I got no choice but to take a chance with you, we got something spiraling out of control here in the City Of Angels, or I sometimes call it…The Shitty Of Angels..” Chumf didn’t laugh, because it wasn’t funny.
“you heard of The Brown Koalas Chumf?”
“who hasn’t Chief ?, I don’t know much about them tho”
Chief Duff went onto explain that The Koalas were a black militant group formed in the early 70s, their mission statement was simple but terrifying “Black Rule, Revenge for our brothers and sisters and Pure Eucalyptus”
The Brown Koala’s leader was “Zoltan”, a black African man who came to America in the early 60s, Zoltan real name “Terry Smith” was according to Chief Duff, responsible for the murders of 25 white congress men, in the Chief’s opinion Zoltan would never have been directly involved but more than likely organized the murders from afar and gave the order.
“whatever Koala carried this out has left these Mofos in one helluva state every time, each with their left shoe stuffed into their mouth, the Word “Grapefruit” written in black marker on their backs and last but not least … and I hope you are ready for this Chumf…”
“Go for it Chief, I can handle it”
“The Murderer fills their belly buttons with Marmalade…..”
Chumf covered his mouth with his hand to stop being sick…….
“it gets worse, the marmalade is out of date”
“sick bastard”
“the problem is Chumf , this guy is only following orders, The Brown Koalas are obviously all sickos and that’s why we need you….”
Chumf looked beyond Chief Duff out of his window looking down on the mean streets of LA, he thought to himself, how did I end up here?, what was wrong with a simple life bringing up a family?, What was the significance of the marmalade? ..
Chief Duff told Chumf to take the rest of the day to find out what he can about Zoltan and The Brown Koalas, tomorrow he would meet his new partner
“ a partner ??” asked an astonished Chumf
“ yes a partner Chumf, we think that the added responsibility of having someone beside you on the street may stop you bringing this department to its knees like you did In New York…ya crazy bastard!”
Chumf forced a smile…..
“now get the hell outta here” Barked the Chief as he put his moustache back into the top drawer.
Can Chumf stop the Brown Koala’s Reign of terror?
Will his new partner cut the mustard? Or Marmalade in fact?
All will be revealed in the part of Chumf - The Frontier of Mofo
It was Hell on Earth……..
In amongst all this heat, this panic, this longing for chill, this clamber for cold, there was one man who had to be cool, one man who was used to operating a forklift when some jars of tomato puree had fell off the pallet, one hero amongst all the peasants and poppers, one man to save the world…..
This man was Chumf Taylor…… “The Hero’s Hero”!!!!!!
Police Chief Dug Duff was a man to fear and on this particular morning he was worse than usual, Chief Commissioner Lovecarpet had just been on the phone roasting Duff’s ass about the horrific rise in recent crime figures, Duff had tried to justify this by blaming this on the Sweltering weather, but Lovecarpet was having none of it…..
“I don’t give two shiny shits about the weather, your officers are trained to operate whether they are sweating enough to burst a dam or whether its so cold their nuts could be mistaken for raisins, I want these figures sorted…. I aint taking no more shit from City hall… Got it?....”
“I got it..” it mattered not the retort of Duff, Lovecarpet had hung up the line….
Chumf sat outside the office of Duff, he had already told the secretary to the Police Chief of his appointment.
“he’ll be right with you Detective Taylor”
Chumf thought she was a pretty girl, and did not consider it an impairment to her beauty that she had no left ear.
The secretary’s phone buzzed… she held it up to the ear she had.
“Chief Duff will see you now…”
Chumf entered the office, Chief Duff rose to shake his hand, Duff was a stocky built black man, with a Black handle bar moustache straight out of the top drawer, he wore a dark tweed suit, white shirt, Brown tie, probably mid 40s by Chumf’s reckoning.
“I haven’t seen a tie like that since the mid 40s Chief….” Silence fell on the room, not a great start By Chumf
“you know why you are here Chumf, we got a crime wave escalating quicker than a jet propelled Penguinhippo”
Duff shuffled uneasy in his seat, pushed out a squeaker then carried on.
“Sorry Chumf, I had dug butter sandwiches this morning, playing havoc with my guts…”
“they’ll do that….” replied Chumf , he knew better than most about Dug Butter.
“I know your history Chumf, you’re a wild card, a maverick, a sausage tamer, you get results sure, but from what I’m lead to believe, those results come at the cost and embarrassment of the city”
Chumf tried to explain…..
“save it Chumf, I got no choice but to take a chance with you, we got something spiraling out of control here in the City Of Angels, or I sometimes call it…The Shitty Of Angels..” Chumf didn’t laugh, because it wasn’t funny.
“you heard of The Brown Koalas Chumf?”
“who hasn’t Chief ?, I don’t know much about them tho”
Chief Duff went onto explain that The Koalas were a black militant group formed in the early 70s, their mission statement was simple but terrifying “Black Rule, Revenge for our brothers and sisters and Pure Eucalyptus”
The Brown Koala’s leader was “Zoltan”, a black African man who came to America in the early 60s, Zoltan real name “Terry Smith” was according to Chief Duff, responsible for the murders of 25 white congress men, in the Chief’s opinion Zoltan would never have been directly involved but more than likely organized the murders from afar and gave the order.
“whatever Koala carried this out has left these Mofos in one helluva state every time, each with their left shoe stuffed into their mouth, the Word “Grapefruit” written in black marker on their backs and last but not least … and I hope you are ready for this Chumf…”
“Go for it Chief, I can handle it”
“The Murderer fills their belly buttons with Marmalade…..”
Chumf covered his mouth with his hand to stop being sick…….
“it gets worse, the marmalade is out of date”
“sick bastard”
“the problem is Chumf , this guy is only following orders, The Brown Koalas are obviously all sickos and that’s why we need you….”
Chumf looked beyond Chief Duff out of his window looking down on the mean streets of LA, he thought to himself, how did I end up here?, what was wrong with a simple life bringing up a family?, What was the significance of the marmalade? ..
Chief Duff told Chumf to take the rest of the day to find out what he can about Zoltan and The Brown Koalas, tomorrow he would meet his new partner
“ a partner ??” asked an astonished Chumf
“ yes a partner Chumf, we think that the added responsibility of having someone beside you on the street may stop you bringing this department to its knees like you did In New York…ya crazy bastard!”
Chumf forced a smile…..
“now get the hell outta here” Barked the Chief as he put his moustache back into the top drawer.
Can Chumf stop the Brown Koala’s Reign of terror?
Will his new partner cut the mustard? Or Marmalade in fact?
All will be revealed in the part of Chumf - The Frontier of Mofo
Monday, 4 February 2008
Chumf - Nowhere Man
Chumf was brought up by two Norwegian lesbians called “twalda” and “valda”, Twalda was a welder and Valda a bouncer at the local Bone Rubbing club in downtown Oslo. At the age of 8 Chumf won his first of many competitions, he was “Champion Dog flanneler 1976” this involved fitting trousers to a various number of different dogs, he seemed to excel at this especially with one particular Bloodhound called “Fudge”…
Chumf’s life had its own brand of tragedy “twalda” was beheaded by a rampant trainee lumberjack allegedly upset at finding out someone had already invented Milk, Valda did her best to continue but soon became addicted to cinnamon and died at the age of 178. Chumf was left to vend for himself from the age of 27…
Danny Flannery was the kind of man who had an eye at each side of his nose, the kind of man who knew where his own balls were… he carried out his first hit at the age of 8 using a harpoon to impale the local Godfather in his home town of Plamphf , Country Flapjack, the town awoke to the site of Sean McKackallany hanging from the local RS McColls harpoon through his Johnson!!!
“it’s been a long time danny”
“ yes it has Chumf..sorry Simon”
“ tea simon?”
“yes frog not toad”
They had work to do and got down to the fine details, they had to steal a ruby from the anus of local ganglord “Tubbs Fattika”,
“did you bring the Vaseline Simon?”
“yes but we have work to do?” replied Chumf
Chumf’s life had its own brand of tragedy “twalda” was beheaded by a rampant trainee lumberjack allegedly upset at finding out someone had already invented Milk, Valda did her best to continue but soon became addicted to cinnamon and died at the age of 178. Chumf was left to vend for himself from the age of 27…
Danny Flannery was the kind of man who had an eye at each side of his nose, the kind of man who knew where his own balls were… he carried out his first hit at the age of 8 using a harpoon to impale the local Godfather in his home town of Plamphf , Country Flapjack, the town awoke to the site of Sean McKackallany hanging from the local RS McColls harpoon through his Johnson!!!
“it’s been a long time danny”
“ yes it has Chumf..sorry Simon”
“ tea simon?”
“yes frog not toad”
They had work to do and got down to the fine details, they had to steal a ruby from the anus of local ganglord “Tubbs Fattika”,
“did you bring the Vaseline Simon?”
“yes but we have work to do?” replied Chumf
The Chronicles of Chumf Taylor
Chumf knew he had to make it to Gaircwoieh airport by sundown, he left Laughing Harri sipping her tea alone back in Wangpong, he told her he had to go and buy some wart ointment, she watched as he disappeared into the crowd, she thought to herself that the wart ointment shop was in the opposite direction.
This was typical of Chumf, always leaving through the crowds and shadows, Laughing Harri wiped a tear from her eye, took a deep breath and got on with her plans for the day……
Meanwhile Chumf was passing through customs at Gaircwoieh Airport, he had changed into his new guise in the airport toilets, Green Sports Jacket, Cream slacks, brown brogues and a multi-colored cravat, in this age of non smoking a pipe seemed an unnecessary addition and in fact likely to draw unwelcome attention…..
Chumf handed his latest passport to the controller…
“ have a safe journey Mr Cheese”
“Thank you”
Chumf’s orders told him to fly to Manila in the phillipines where he was to pose as Yacht Salesman and Monkey expert “Simon Cheese”….
There he was met by “May Ching Chang” aka Tess Turner the former kgb spy, chumf had worked with her before when the two of them were asked to investigate the strange case of “Wily Willy The Chernobyl Chopper”…. It was 10 years since they solved this case… since then the only thing he heard about “Tess Turner” was that she married an Nepalese Monk by the name of “Kevin”……
He knew there would be no time for reminiscing.. they had a job to do and his only concern was finding out what this job was…
Tess waited for Chumf by the clock in the manila plaza.. similar to the one in Cumbernauld Chumf thought to himself..
“I will take you to a local tea house Mr Cheese, we must meet up with Danny Flannery the Irish assassin, he will be part of our operation….”
“does this tea house sell Frog tea?” asked Chumf
“frog, toad ,rabbit and hamster tea Mr Cheese”
“perfect, just perfect” smiled Chumf…..
This was typical of Chumf, always leaving through the crowds and shadows, Laughing Harri wiped a tear from her eye, took a deep breath and got on with her plans for the day……
Meanwhile Chumf was passing through customs at Gaircwoieh Airport, he had changed into his new guise in the airport toilets, Green Sports Jacket, Cream slacks, brown brogues and a multi-colored cravat, in this age of non smoking a pipe seemed an unnecessary addition and in fact likely to draw unwelcome attention…..
Chumf handed his latest passport to the controller…
“ have a safe journey Mr Cheese”
“Thank you”
Chumf’s orders told him to fly to Manila in the phillipines where he was to pose as Yacht Salesman and Monkey expert “Simon Cheese”….
There he was met by “May Ching Chang” aka Tess Turner the former kgb spy, chumf had worked with her before when the two of them were asked to investigate the strange case of “Wily Willy The Chernobyl Chopper”…. It was 10 years since they solved this case… since then the only thing he heard about “Tess Turner” was that she married an Nepalese Monk by the name of “Kevin”……
He knew there would be no time for reminiscing.. they had a job to do and his only concern was finding out what this job was…
Tess waited for Chumf by the clock in the manila plaza.. similar to the one in Cumbernauld Chumf thought to himself..
“I will take you to a local tea house Mr Cheese, we must meet up with Danny Flannery the Irish assassin, he will be part of our operation….”
“does this tea house sell Frog tea?” asked Chumf
“frog, toad ,rabbit and hamster tea Mr Cheese”
“perfect, just perfect” smiled Chumf…..
Tuesday, 15 January 2008
Chumf - The Wilderness Years
Chumf’s next mission involved playing the blues at The “shammalammadingdong” club in The deep South town of “Nonegro”, Texas. This was the kinda hick town where your dad was also your sister, your uncle was your gran and your mother was the local butcher….
Chumf thumbed a lift on route 109 from a blind farmer riding along on a PenguinHippo, there was barely room for Chumf but his legs needed the rest so he was happy to squeeze in where he could.
“you uh…. You aint from around here sonny”
“ no sir I aint” replied Chumf trying hard to sound local and hide his strong Stornaway accent.
“well I hope you’re ready for the next town cos I aint going no further tonight”
“ that’s fine sir, what is the next town?”
The old man turned round and pointed his mad eyes at chumf…..” Nonegro sonny, and I wouldn’t send my penguinhippo to get his balls washed in that town…”
“oh…..”
“ I would take you further boy , but then id have to hump ya!!”
The rest of the journey dragged for Chumf……….
In old money terms Chumf had 4 quavers and a whistle left to get him a roof over his head, the rain lashed down on his tweed flannels and checked shirt as he walked along the main route through Nonegro, he walked past one open doorway where he could hear the classic song “oops there goes my balloons” by Blues Singer Johnny Favorite coming from a transistor radio.
Then came the voice…” you looking for a room son?” This large buxom black mama asked in a kind voice
“yes I am ma’am”
“well I can let you bed down on my couch if you don’t mind sleeping in same room as my dog Vincent”
Vincent appeared from around the door, this was one ugly mother of a dog, four ears, 3 noses and a pair of national health specs, it looked friendly all the same.
“that will be just fine ma,am”
Next day Chumf woke early , offered to pay his temporary landlord what he could for his stay to which she declined,
“save your money son, buy yourself a guitar to accompany that beautiful voice I heard this morning”
Chumf could only smile, It was Vincent the dog that was singing, but it did give Chumf an idea as he knew he could hold a tune.
The Shammalammadingdong Club was dark, smoky and smelly, the women looked cheap and the men looked glad, Chumf found out from the pretty blonde bar tender that the man to talk to about getting a little music slot was “Fats Rooster”, he was located through the back of the club where they raced hamsters, Fats Rooster owned the hamster that went by the name of “Timothy”, Chumf later found out that Timothy had been banned from the “Special Vermin Olympics” for using the banned Hamster steroid “Gerbohypnol”, he was only discovered when he was found to have been affected by the rare side effect of the drug which causes a strange self slapping reaction, as he was on the podium for The Hamster anthem he knocked himself out with ten rapid slaps.
After the drama of the Hamster race (to which Timothy broke down on the second lap with a pulled hamsterstring) Chumf approached Fats…
“I can offer you 15 minutes for 5 dollars and you better hope you sold your soul to the devil at those crossroads cos these people don’t tolerate no shitty pickers”
“I wont pick shitty sir!”
“good , ok you are on in 10”
Now was time for Chumf to get ready for the real objective of his trip To Nonegro, before he even hitched the lift on the penguinhippo he knew why he was in the deep south, Fats Rooster was the Criminal mastermind behind “The Wackers” , a yardie style gang who worshipped the god “Bovril”, Chumf’s orders were to take out the top man” Fats” by whatever method he could , the only other thing asked of by HQ was that he got himself and anyone else who helped out of there and over the Mexican border by sunrise.
Chumf started his set with the old standard “ Something Strange in my trousers” which went down fairly well, at this point he noticed the arrival of his accomplice the glamourous “Doris Danger ” , she was the perfect distraction for Chumf to carry out his mission, halfway through his second song “ The Trouble With Trout” the lights went, Chumf had to move quick, he memorized where he stood in relation to “Fats” , by the time the lights came back on, Fats had to be dead and Chumf had to be on his way out of Nonegro with Doris. He had never worked with Doris before, she was fresh out of Spy college , wet behind the ears but learning quick, otherwise HQ wouldn’t have sent her to aid Chumf.
Chumf carried out the hit with the coldness he was renowned for, by the time the lights came back up “Fats Rooster” lay dead in the middle of the Floor of “The Shammalammadingdong Club”, Fats lay on his back with the G string of Chumf,s guitar round his neck , a onion in his mouth and a hat saying “ Kiss me Quick “ on his head.
Screams filled the Club, “ it was the singer, I saw him run out” shouted Timothy the Hamster
A mob chased after Chumf, he looked back to see them burst out of the Club’s doors, then out of nowhere Chumf’s legs were taken from him, next thing bang and all Chumf’s world went dark.
“ooga booga ooga ooga booga”
Chumf awoke to the sound of the strange chanting, he tried to move his feet and hands but couldn’t , the fear gripped him as he remembered the events of The Shammalamma, he was tied to a wooden pole with a large bonfire burning in front of him, The Wackers surrounded him chanting and point at him , he knew “The Wackers” were cannibals and there was a good chance this was how he would meet his maker, by having his plums boiled then eaten with some vegetables covered in Paul Newman’s Latest salad dressing.
They approached him slowly but meanacingly, The Chief wacker held a huge already blood stained sword, he pointed it towards Chumf’s Johnson rubbing his tummy with the other hand, Chumf knew his time was up, he closed his eyes and hoped for a quick death………..
They approached him slowly but menacingly, The Chief wacker held a huge already blood stained sword, Chumf knew his time was up he closed his eyes and hoped for a quick death………..
“Look out a penguinhippo...RUN!!!” Screamed one of the Wackers at the back of the crowd approaching Chumf
On the back of the Penguinhippo, there was Doris Danger whipping the large cross bred animal making it gallop furiously towards the Wackers they scattered and ran for cover, Penguinhippos were not the largest animals but they were especially feared by Wackers who in their own bible believed the creatures to be of extreme power and superstition
Doris jumped down from the beast, quickly untied Chumf , tucked away his Johnson that The Wackers had left out for a laugh, tossed him onto the Penguinhippo who had struck up a conversation with a drunk beaver….. They moved away from the scene of Chumf’s close shave with death
“Doris, you saved my life…. How can I ever repay you?
“By not calling me Doris..”
Just at that Doris reached her fingers seemingly tearing at the skin of her neck, to Chumf’s surprise and horror she ripped off which could only be described as a second skin…
“Laughing Harri!!!” Exclaimed Chumf, shocked but happy at the discovery of his old accomplice
“did you think I would leave you dying ? when there’s room on my Penguinhippo for two?” How they chuckled as they rode down Route 109 bound for Mexico…….
Chumf thumbed a lift on route 109 from a blind farmer riding along on a PenguinHippo, there was barely room for Chumf but his legs needed the rest so he was happy to squeeze in where he could.
“you uh…. You aint from around here sonny”
“ no sir I aint” replied Chumf trying hard to sound local and hide his strong Stornaway accent.
“well I hope you’re ready for the next town cos I aint going no further tonight”
“ that’s fine sir, what is the next town?”
The old man turned round and pointed his mad eyes at chumf…..” Nonegro sonny, and I wouldn’t send my penguinhippo to get his balls washed in that town…”
“oh…..”
“ I would take you further boy , but then id have to hump ya!!”
The rest of the journey dragged for Chumf……….
In old money terms Chumf had 4 quavers and a whistle left to get him a roof over his head, the rain lashed down on his tweed flannels and checked shirt as he walked along the main route through Nonegro, he walked past one open doorway where he could hear the classic song “oops there goes my balloons” by Blues Singer Johnny Favorite coming from a transistor radio.
Then came the voice…” you looking for a room son?” This large buxom black mama asked in a kind voice
“yes I am ma’am”
“well I can let you bed down on my couch if you don’t mind sleeping in same room as my dog Vincent”
Vincent appeared from around the door, this was one ugly mother of a dog, four ears, 3 noses and a pair of national health specs, it looked friendly all the same.
“that will be just fine ma,am”
Next day Chumf woke early , offered to pay his temporary landlord what he could for his stay to which she declined,
“save your money son, buy yourself a guitar to accompany that beautiful voice I heard this morning”
Chumf could only smile, It was Vincent the dog that was singing, but it did give Chumf an idea as he knew he could hold a tune.
The Shammalammadingdong Club was dark, smoky and smelly, the women looked cheap and the men looked glad, Chumf found out from the pretty blonde bar tender that the man to talk to about getting a little music slot was “Fats Rooster”, he was located through the back of the club where they raced hamsters, Fats Rooster owned the hamster that went by the name of “Timothy”, Chumf later found out that Timothy had been banned from the “Special Vermin Olympics” for using the banned Hamster steroid “Gerbohypnol”, he was only discovered when he was found to have been affected by the rare side effect of the drug which causes a strange self slapping reaction, as he was on the podium for The Hamster anthem he knocked himself out with ten rapid slaps.
After the drama of the Hamster race (to which Timothy broke down on the second lap with a pulled hamsterstring) Chumf approached Fats…
“I can offer you 15 minutes for 5 dollars and you better hope you sold your soul to the devil at those crossroads cos these people don’t tolerate no shitty pickers”
“I wont pick shitty sir!”
“good , ok you are on in 10”
Now was time for Chumf to get ready for the real objective of his trip To Nonegro, before he even hitched the lift on the penguinhippo he knew why he was in the deep south, Fats Rooster was the Criminal mastermind behind “The Wackers” , a yardie style gang who worshipped the god “Bovril”, Chumf’s orders were to take out the top man” Fats” by whatever method he could , the only other thing asked of by HQ was that he got himself and anyone else who helped out of there and over the Mexican border by sunrise.
Chumf started his set with the old standard “ Something Strange in my trousers” which went down fairly well, at this point he noticed the arrival of his accomplice the glamourous “Doris Danger ” , she was the perfect distraction for Chumf to carry out his mission, halfway through his second song “ The Trouble With Trout” the lights went, Chumf had to move quick, he memorized where he stood in relation to “Fats” , by the time the lights came back on, Fats had to be dead and Chumf had to be on his way out of Nonegro with Doris. He had never worked with Doris before, she was fresh out of Spy college , wet behind the ears but learning quick, otherwise HQ wouldn’t have sent her to aid Chumf.
Chumf carried out the hit with the coldness he was renowned for, by the time the lights came back up “Fats Rooster” lay dead in the middle of the Floor of “The Shammalammadingdong Club”, Fats lay on his back with the G string of Chumf,s guitar round his neck , a onion in his mouth and a hat saying “ Kiss me Quick “ on his head.
Screams filled the Club, “ it was the singer, I saw him run out” shouted Timothy the Hamster
A mob chased after Chumf, he looked back to see them burst out of the Club’s doors, then out of nowhere Chumf’s legs were taken from him, next thing bang and all Chumf’s world went dark.
“ooga booga ooga ooga booga”
Chumf awoke to the sound of the strange chanting, he tried to move his feet and hands but couldn’t , the fear gripped him as he remembered the events of The Shammalamma, he was tied to a wooden pole with a large bonfire burning in front of him, The Wackers surrounded him chanting and point at him , he knew “The Wackers” were cannibals and there was a good chance this was how he would meet his maker, by having his plums boiled then eaten with some vegetables covered in Paul Newman’s Latest salad dressing.
They approached him slowly but meanacingly, The Chief wacker held a huge already blood stained sword, he pointed it towards Chumf’s Johnson rubbing his tummy with the other hand, Chumf knew his time was up, he closed his eyes and hoped for a quick death………..
They approached him slowly but menacingly, The Chief wacker held a huge already blood stained sword, Chumf knew his time was up he closed his eyes and hoped for a quick death………..
“Look out a penguinhippo...RUN!!!” Screamed one of the Wackers at the back of the crowd approaching Chumf
On the back of the Penguinhippo, there was Doris Danger whipping the large cross bred animal making it gallop furiously towards the Wackers they scattered and ran for cover, Penguinhippos were not the largest animals but they were especially feared by Wackers who in their own bible believed the creatures to be of extreme power and superstition
Doris jumped down from the beast, quickly untied Chumf , tucked away his Johnson that The Wackers had left out for a laugh, tossed him onto the Penguinhippo who had struck up a conversation with a drunk beaver….. They moved away from the scene of Chumf’s close shave with death
“Doris, you saved my life…. How can I ever repay you?
“By not calling me Doris..”
Just at that Doris reached her fingers seemingly tearing at the skin of her neck, to Chumf’s surprise and horror she ripped off which could only be described as a second skin…
“Laughing Harri!!!” Exclaimed Chumf, shocked but happy at the discovery of his old accomplice
“did you think I would leave you dying ? when there’s room on my Penguinhippo for two?” How they chuckled as they rode down Route 109 bound for Mexico…….
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